05 | Bridal Shop

i asked my mom if i could go into the wedding dress shop and try on wedding dresses. she surprisingly agreed but we ended up not going. i wanted to pretend like i was in the place that i want to be in life.

my mom got married at age 23. my friend from middle school will probably get married next year. i also found out recently that a girl ive known since primary school got married last year.

sometimes i dont care about where i am in life, and sometimes i care too much. its not really the fact that im unmarried. its just the fact that people are moving on with their lives yet i still feel left behind. All i am is a student. I just study study study. everyone is doing something yet i just exist for a useless degree. no passion, no plan, no adventure. im just doing my 4 years of undergrad then going to work for the rest on my life.

I was trying to imagine my future last night. i couldn't get the right vision. i just see myself as a confused adult that works 40 hours a week for nothing and nobody. its so cheesy but i dont have a passion strong enough to motivate me to keep going. i'm not particularly good at anything. Im not very smart or well spoken. I'm not very healthy or pretty. There's just nothing there.

I wanted to go try on wedding dresses and lie to the consultants to pretend that there is something in my life. I planned the answers to all the questions they would ask;

• I want a gown-like dress with a bit of a Disney princes inspired top
• I'm having a small wedding indoors, so i dont mind a dress train although i dont prefer it
• The colors im going with are pink with the main décor being fake pink roses
• I'm 5'11 but i want to wear thick heels with my dress so i need the dress to be heel friendly
• my bridesmaids will wear their own choice of dress, but they must be the same color

I was so ready to fake it.