it is raining in july

Life feels so stagnant.

I am 20. I feel the ugliest and worst I have ever been. But I also feel like I am currently the best version of myself to exist. Fuck a teenage coming of age story, we need a young adult being thrown into the world for the first time story. This seems like a more universal experience. If it sucks for everyone why hasn't anything been done to help us. IDK, it'll only get worse for those who come after me given the state of the world. Everything is expensive, and everyone is greedy. 

I don't think jealousy is the right word for how I feel. Because I am not mad at someone else for having what I do not. I don't think anyone is lesser than me or less deserving of things. I just can't help but to feel why not me too. I know there is no reason. I know everyone has their struggles. But hell I even mean growing up on social media as someone with severe hormonal acne, which I finally managed just for it to come back in adulthood, was and is so hard. I don't like what I see in the mirror, just because of something majority of people don't have to worry about. My girlfriend for example never washes her face or even moisturizes and she has perfect skin. I mean perfect. It is not fair. Not in a self pity way but in a "i have literally spent the last 10 years diligently taking care of my skin to a dermatologist standard for it to remain about the same" way.

Moving on - there are so many injustices in the world it is hard to look past it. It is more difficult to not be mad at everyone for letting them happen, for doing them. Money controls literally everything in this whole world and we fucking made that shit up. I have to pay to live on a planet I didn't choose to be born on. I have to live in oppression of those who were luckier than I, and was born into wealth and power. Nobody "does" anything to deserve wealth. You can say they worked their ass off which just means they either took advantage of people or was taken advantage of. Even then how can you argue their efforts were any more difficult or admirable than someone else's, who just was not successful.

IDK why the world has this mentality that people simply aren't trying. We are ALL trying. and hardly anyone makes it out successfully. Everyone I know has worked hard and been through hardships. Very few are successful. Most of the ones who are sacrificed half if not their entire life working for it. In a world where tomorrow is not guaranteed I cannot do that.

I am constantly plagued by the reality that I may die, and my loved ones may die, at any moment from any chance of accident. I don't live in fear of it but I can not spend my life miserable on the hopes I will have a future where it is better, 10, 20, 30, 40 years down the line. I mean I have spent my entire life in a phase of waiting. Waiting for things to improve. And things do. But with new problems. I acknowledge know how much I took for granted and still continue to take for granted. You are always more fortunate than someone else more deserving, which definitely helps humble me lol.

I am extremely grateful for what I DO have and who I have. I am in my 20's and I have no friends but I do have an extremely supportive girlfriend and mother/sisters. IDK, there is still a lot of shit that keeps piling up. I have to keep telling myself it will all be worth it, that one day I will look back and not be jealous of current me lmao. I am just having an extremely difficult time staying positive at this point. It feels like blow after blow after blow and everything is on my shoulders to figure out. Each new opportunity feels like an out just for it to fall through. It feels impossible. 

I am also tired of people telling me my standards are too high. I have been living in the worst conditions since December I desperately need somewhere I can feel at peace and safe and like it is my own space. I have not done my own art in nearly 2 years now bc I have not felt that way since 2021, before my mom moved out of her old house. I literally am never comfortable at my house. I never feel like I can just relax. It is worsening my mental health conditions aka my disability creating a spiral that feeds off itself. I just want to feel good about my space, that is all I am asking. I can't get that in some shady or shitty place - trust me I have been trying.

I am basically saying I am too disabled to continue to live in these conditions. My living situation fully aided if not caused my nervous breakdown and overall spiral back in January. Thats how long I have been fighting this damn house!! Of course someone who is neurotypical and mentally healthy can cope with something like this. But I literally can not. It has taken me this long to finally be okay with that being the reason. I have had medical professionals telling me this and treating my mental health since I was 12 years old - and now when I am realizing and enforcing the facts that I have different needs than an average person people act like it's not the serious. 

Everything is frustrating. Like I want another job for money but I can't commit to another job because I am, you guessed it, too disabled!! I absolutely do not want to leave my current job, it is the only constant in my life giving me purpose that is fulfilling, other than my cats, right now. I love my job. Thats the only thing going right for me right now lmao.

My laptop is gonna die so I am gonna be done for now. Bye