identity issues

Trying to get back into the swing of blogging. My first psychiatrist appointment is on the first of August, and by then that will be the first time I have ever subjected myself to any sort of professional help. It is a very scary thought and has been eating me up inside ever since I booked it, but my coworker whom I trust and my boyfriend share the same sentiment that it will be for the best. There has been a lot of things I have done in my life, and a lot of things I have done as of recent that I heavily regret; time moves on! At the very least I have my boyfriend and the few people I have not continuously pushed away during my periods of hysteria. 

And on the topic of being hysterical, today (as of a few minutes ago) I realized that my perception of myself and the understanding of myself as i know it is largely flawed, if there is any idea of myself to begin with! A lot of my identity and self esteem is directly linked to the perception that other people has of me, and various media that I like and think will make me look cool and fun to be around. I was watching my boyfriend scroll through recent neocities websites, and stumbled upon one created by someone who i was extremely envious about. Not because they had anything i lacked, but because I felt they were so very confident and likable, that I was so upset that that was something i couldnt have! 

They were so cool, and even now  I feel a great sense of admiration for them, as well as an abundance of jealousy. I wish I were that cool! My first thought was to emulate them, and try to be as cool as they are, but the problem with that is that that doesnt give me any sort of identity that is inherently fulfilling or myself. Its just a copy! A perverse imitation of something i admire. I have no desire to become something that makes me happy or makes me comfortable in myself, the only thing i want is to be likable for people to decide that i am someone that they should keep around. 

personality disorders are crazy!

7/20/2023