20/7/23 - Getting Started

Currently listening to: And One - Baby Company

So, I figured I might use this space to write out my thoughts and to keep track of my mood and wellbeing. I guess I'm tired of being stuck in my own miserable hole, I just want to get out of it for once and do something mildly productive. I hate getting stuck in my past that I can't change, I have to move on somehow. Everyone should. 

That aside, I wanted to introduce myself first: I'm Casey at the point of writing this. I'm a man, and I have my ups and downs. I've been diagnosed with Dissociative identity Disorder, and PTSD. These can affect my day-to-day life and it can also affect the way I see the world or my sense of self. However, I do try to distract myself with some good rock and roll and produce something creative, at least once a day, haha. So, don't mind if I haven't been online for a good day, memory gaps, or notice my writing style could be different than the usual. I'd also like to write about my thoughts of these system "safe spaces" I've seen on Discord servers later on. (Or, the modern day MSN, Skype, & Yahoo Messenger. Wow, just mentioning them makes me realized how there's less platforms for messenging apps these days because one brand sort of overpowers it now.)

I've been getting vivid dreams lately, I know that dreams are just parts of your memories being mashed up together to produce something wack, but I'm wondering if it sort of has an underlying meaning to it? I mean, I remembered in my dreams, I always *forget* something. I could be going to a supermarket and then my shoes are suddenly gone and I end up panicking of how forgetful I could be as to forget wearing something basic like shoes. Or when I randomly realised I'm naked in a public space. Surely there's a deep meaning to that, a lot of sources mentioned that it has to do with your own personal insecurities and that's an intepretation I can just agree on. But barefoot? Forgetting items? Would being suddenly barefoot also have the same intepretation? Or would that be something else? Maybe realizing I feel trapped? I'll check it out on some dream intepretation sites after I'm done writing all these. Maybe understanding my dreams would help me improve and understand my life a bit better? It's always fun to experience dreams to me, even if they're scary. I just like the thrill of getting chased and suddenly having superpowers at the same time. Or dreams where I finally get my revenge (ha!)

Going back to the part where I mentioned about system "safe spaces", this refers to where some people said that they also experience symptoms of DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) with multiple alters. Unfortunately there are also those that believes that you could be a system without traumatic backgrounds, and that's something I cannot wrap my head around. But there are also a couple of people who said that they got symptoms of DID and declared themselves to be *self-diagnosed* when they cannot just self-diagnose yourself with a rare and complicated disorder like that. A medical professional who has studied Psychiatry/Psychology and gone training for years cannot beat a single person who's done only basic research on the internet. It feels utterly bizarre to be in those kinds of spaces and suddenly you see people getting excited over *sources* and isn't like those spaces for trauma survivors to heal from. When I was just lurking around in these spaces, I just kept thinking "Why am I here? Why the hell did I join it in the first place? This isn't an ideal space for me to heal from whatever has pained me." At this point, it feels like I'm in some convention centre for nerds and the vibes I get from these spaces are so awfully weird. 

It makes me feel like, I'm in this us vs the world kind of mentality, you get me? Except it's just feeling super out of their own little culture. A lot of their alters also have xenogender or neopronouns, or almost all of them identify as polyamorous, or that no alters in their systems are cis or straight. Nothing wrong with identifying as yourself as whatever makes you feel happy and you should do what your heart desires, but I'm seeing a pattern here? Why's everyone suddenly gay or trans teens? Like, I've never seen middle aged people, or those that are straight or cis being in these kind of spaces. But yeah, I never quite fit into those kind of spaces. I don't mean any malicious intents towards folks who identify as a part of LGBTQ+ people, and I'm super supportive of what they do. But most documented people with DID don't have that vibe. I guess working adults don't necessarily have the time to go on a gaming chatting app? Maybe they'd hang around Reddit, or certain forums? I'd love to join those kind of groups with serious kind of people. No hate.

Phew, I'm done with whatever I wanted to let out. I hope I could keep this a habit. Maybe I could aim to write something once a week.