ups and downs

It's so difficult feeling okay. Or at least, feeling okay long-term.

A couple weeks ago I had wanted to make a post here that would be basically be reflecting on the past year and, more importantly, talking about how much I've grown.

But then, I suddenly got hit by a new wave of hopelessness.

I'm so tired.

I always try so hard. But sometimes my best isn't even the bare minimum. Other times, my highs are good enough that I start to think that I'm normal.

That is false hope though. I'm not normal. The highs never last very long, and if they do, they are often completely unrelated to anything meaningful. They are definitely never related to my university work.

Sometimes, I do get excited and hopeful because socialisation with friends went well. But then, something makes me doubt myself, even for that kind of thing.

I always end up feeling lonely anyway, what's the point?

But yeah, when it comes to university, I never feel the same high (you could call it happiness I guess) as when I do when playing a game, making fanart or original art, or even socialising successfully. And even for those examples I've given, I don't always feel that high.

My default mood is a static low. Not super low. But low regardless. I have infinite self doubt. I don't see anything good about myself except the art that I make and post online, and if it doesn't get enough attention online, then it doesn't make me feel better at all.

A couple times my dad and a couple other relatives have talked to me about what truly makes a person happy. In a philosophical sense, a very general sense.

And I could not care less. These people are trying to teach me how to be happy, but all I want is peace. Fuck your philosophy on happiness. I don't give a damn about that.

I want peace.

I want stability.

I don't care about being happy, because that never lasts for me.

Even for my happiest moments, I feel doubt, I feel the looming fear and disappointment that sooner or later I'll be miserable again.