idc im blogging twice in a row

i just sometimes feel like i will never be satisfied, or happy with my life at all. like i will always miss something, i will always be chasing an impossible manufactured existence. it just isn't happening, and i know this. 

i will never reconnect with old friends. i will always be too un-passioned, laisse-faire, to connect to any other people closely really. and those who are unfortunate to fall for the puppetry of my corpse and they'll quickly see it's some thin, fragile string holding the whole façade up, and it always comes down eventually, and i just rot on their beds.

i just typed something not true. i deleted it.

i'm so insecure. it's really insane how insecure i am for my age, it's really childish. i feel like my personality is what i lack, and not what i have. if that makes any sense. i've been insecure my entire life to the point where that is my only real identifying feature. a lack of security in any identifying features.

and i'm also thinking about all of the people i have hurt. and continue to hurt. the friends i have abandoned, and the people who tried to be close to me but i shut out. i do that a lot. and i don't really have a good reason besides being scared to have to juggle too many people at once. perhaps that's selfish. i dont know.

what else am i thinking about that i have the need to type...

i don't really know i'm just in a small depressive moment rn. i will play video games until i sleep now, though for work tomorrow. work sucks soooo much. i find myself attaching a lot to a fantasy of living in an RV or a van or something,  maladaptively daydreaming about it constantly.

uhmmmm thats all