self analysis...

"i have nothing to be proud of" is a thought i had, while semi-mindlessly putting an order away at work

this thought has been sticking with me all day, and i think it has produced some sort of fruit, of clarity maybe, that i think makes me feel slightly optimistic for the potential of slow, incremental, agonizing change instead of something that is a set personality trait.

i actually was going to primarily write about that, but as i was exploring ways to write about it, i got bored, and didn't want to do it anymore. so i deleted what i wrote and am now typing this blah blah blah blah

i feel like i lose interest in things immediately as soon as they get difficult because i can't imagine getting over that difficulty curve, because i have never had to. i have never ever had the self-discipline to teach myself something, to dedicate myself to learning something. and i know that it is immature and unrealistic to say that this is something that i cannot change. and i should give myself grace and ability to grow and be curious again. but at the same time this makes me feel childish, pathetic, and like im thrashing around trying to find purpose like im 14. im 25, i've been through this before. and all of my passion, and all of my care for myself was grinded down after years and years and years of so many draining relationships. i really never did anything for myself at all, and i sacrificed so much of myself for my father, and for other people. i don't know who i am, or what i like, even. 

and that's why i'm grateful he died (he was a real, actual, piece of shit), and i got to have my Great Reset, but now i'm like. floundering. 

i just really don't know how to do anything. i don't know what i wear, i don't know my personality, really. i just have no sense of self at all. 

idk why i got so upset right then, but i'm not really that upset anymore. i don't feel like what i said is true or permanent, and i feel like i will obviously get better. honestly, i'll probably feel pretty good tomorrow. 

i do want more of an identity though, and it is embarrassing to go through that in your mid-twenties. i sometimes, embarrassingly, desire a "teen-metamorphosis", a fantasy i all but completely missed out on. and admittedly, a fantasy that may not really exist in a real sense. 

i blanked myself out by getting frustrated w my airpods aha so i'm ending this here