horrendous morning

1246 while i begin to write this monday 

i only achieved one good thing today and that was fasting for twenty hours and some some minutes. i wanted to break my fast by eating a 70 calories biscuit but my mom had made breakfast so 250 calories it is. horrendous, in some words, tragic in others.

i spent the night doing jackshit and trying to sleep while on an empty stomach, which tired me out and is something i’ll end up repeating.

but as of now, once my godmother left my house for her hourly visits while her daughter (and, funny enough, my best friend) was at her college taking some fucked summer class, i spent my morning feeling guilty and thinking of my orphaned ao3 works—i do not care for the fucked works i orphaned, but for the only good one i orphaned too in a panic. motherhood is horrible, it seems, and it is now pushing me into wanting to write again, which can’t be good.

i’m ignoring the need to create, trying not to crave it, while i watch interview with the vampire (is that what it’s called?). i’m only watching it because the new oppenheimer documentary that i wanted to watch is, apparently, still not illegally sourced, i can’t find it anywhere.

i hope my day gets better—either an idea plagues me or i end up starving again.