If I could

I'd go to my next door crackhead neighbor's house, ask for fentanyl and take a copious amounts in an area nobody knows where I am TRULY and just die. But I don't even wanna think about being alive after killing or crippling my baby. I want to die with my baby. I need nothing from anyone. I go outside to escape the droning misery and flies surround me and the sound of rain hitting the tin roof pounds in my head. I am not living. I am keeping my body alive for the sake of other people. I'm tired of being called selfish. Fine, I guess I am fucking selfish.