Self induced loneliness

I think the worst is the fact that I wasn't seen as "the weird kid" at 12 or smth.  I was shy but that's it.

It's s the fact that the others are not mean, they never were, they never will, deep down I know that I'm hard to deal with, I have problems and I just burn the ground around me. I'm left alone and it's primarily always my fault. 

I'm the perpetrator of my own misery and the mistakes I make never seems to make me learn, make me change. Kids weren't mean, I was. It's all my fault. I'm the error in the equation. I'll never relate to the lonely kids. Cus they're always mistreated. While I just hurt myself and everyone around. And there's nothing I can do about it, despite being a product of my own actions. And I hate it. I hate it so much. 

Sometimes I wish it were the others. Sometimes I wish they isolated me in my childhood. Pointed me out. Joked about me. Because evil coming from outside would feel more justified. Would mean I just need to hang out with others. 

While my reality just means I get sick of myself, but I'm the only person I can't isolate myself from. And so, I find myself self-plagued.