overall jeans

im sitting here trying to track down the catalysts to my low self esteem. tw: ed, as always

i have a not so secret drawer (almost) full of nice clothes that i dont wear. its not alot and theyre mostly hand-me-downs. they're clothes that i got and that im unable to part with. they're clothes that i cant tell people that they dont fit. its so embarrassing. when people give me clothes, they underestimate how long my legs are, or how big my thighs are, so they dont fit, but the giver expects them to. 

my birthday is on Christmas eve and back in the day we could afford only one present for my birthday and Christmas cobined. so i got 1 thing, which was fine with me. i asked for denim overall jeans. "im gonna look so pretty with them in high school" i thought. i asked for months. my mom bought them for me. 

i opened the present and was told to go try it on. i rushed to my room with excitement. i tried putting them on but as soon as they got to the knees, i realized they were too small. they couldnt even go past my thighs. i started crying silently in my room before walking back to the living room with shame. 

i told my mom they dont fit in front of everyone. i felt sick. my aunt told her daughter (my cousin) to try them on. my cousin is very thin. she has had my ideal body type since i met her and she still has it. she tried them on and, of course they fit. not only did they fit, but they were baggy on her. 

while everyone was talking and drinking tea, i went to my room and shut the door. it wasnt just the fact that my pants didnt fit that made me cry. it was other things on top of that causing my frustration. I also really wanted to stop being teased in school and i thought that i would look cool in them and nobody would bully me. My cousin was so happy and i had to act like i wasnt jealous.

i wrote in my diary that night:

"Today is Christmas eve (2015) which means its my birthday. I hate it i got a gift of jean overalls...and they dont fit :( [scribble] <-- me trying to get my anger out. im not mad at my mom, im mad at [cousin] cuz she is bragging about having them."

looking past the cringe, i remember this being the "final straw" so to speak. the next year is when my eating disorder started. 

"if my own mother bought me the wrong size then i must have gotten bigger" is what i thought that night before bed (keep in mind i was about 13). i now know i was slightly "bigger" because i was literally going through puberty...

i stopped telling my mom that my clothes dont fit. over the years ive slowly donated the clothes that i knew were never going to fit anymore but i get new clothes that dont fit sometimes. the cycle of receiving, keeping and not wearing, then donating continues.

its such a small and insignificant moment but it somehow snowballed into the creating miserable human i feel i am now.

that birthday, my mom told me she would buy me new overall jeans in my size. 

she never did.