Venting..

I'm constantly torn between collapsing in on myself and raging at the universe for doing this to me.

Honestly, I don't really feel angry. It's more of a query. A wondering. I want to answers, but know I'll never get any answers.

One parent is a narcissistic a hole that refuses to face everything she unleashed on her kids ( mainly me, who she made live her childhood. The cycle repeated in a real fucked up way. Not going into details. ) and the other parent died from cancer.  ( I'm happy we could fix our bond before his cancer progressed. I just wish I could have hugged him before he passed.. )

Due to how my mind works, I keep looking back at my life and wishing I could relive moments. To enjoy what I had taken for granted. But I know in my heart that I can't go back there. No one is there anymore.

I feel lonely.

Making friends is...difficult. I'm home-bound due to my health and the only way I can realistically connect with people are in online spaces.

Isolation sucks, but I've been burned so many times by people that I find myself just recoiling further and further into myself. It's safer this way, but then not really.

I don't know. Just rambling to get these thoughts out of my mind.