its been awhile (how do i move on?) 7/10/23

i havent posted in 3 months so heres an update on it all. i just lost motivation, and i've come completely clear of his intentions.

he told me he no longer loves me and he realized this when he started feeling that he was forced to say that he loved me. i felt so empty for a few days. i spent more than a year going through this horrible relationship with a pedophile, as much as i hate saying that word it is the clean truth sadly.

i hate the fact i had to deal with this, i am still in contact with him but we rarely speak. after he told me that i was shocked, and then he went on to tell me about how he still thinks im hot and cute and all. then a few days later he wanted to see my body. ever since then i feel like he only really speaks to me when he's turned on. i keep on asking if he's going to leave again but he keeps saying he isn't going anywhere. i don't think i love him anymore either, i'm coming to terms with a lot of things as of late, one of them being that i don't believe i ever loved him. i loved the idea of being loved- especially by somebody as old as he. the nurturing affect i believed he had on me. i looked up to him, i'm disgusted i ever did. i think all i needed was a sense of security, somebody to lean on, somebody to love. i just needed somebody.

i cannot believe i'm saying this but i regret it all finally. i finally am breaking slightly free. i'm finally able to come to terms with the fact he is nothing but an abuser. but i guess it's ironic since i do still speak to him and honestly beg for his attention- thats a problem i'm going to have to face. but baby steps i guess. what am i meant to do after being groomed? i'm really lost.

this isn't to romanticize anymore. i think i started this all to romanticize in my sick mind. it became an escape because i thought somebody would listen or some bullshit but honestly thats a lie. i think i just wanted to document all my thoughts publicly, and through journals. this happens to so many girls i know im not special and my story isn't special but i guess thats why i'm posting this

i wanna know how i can break off from 2 years of trauma- not just from this man but from a boy too who sexually assualted and then continued to sexually abuse me for months after on october 6th of my 8th grade year.

i've been stuck in the same mental state for two years. i like to believe i am not a victim. i know i am but i refuse to label myself as one. i feel as if i've put myself in every situation. i dont know what to do and if i don't figure it out soon i'll just kill myself probably. i don't want to live this way anymore. i hate this cycle for the past 2 years. i just want to feel like a kid again and not feel like a sex doll, i don't wanna feel worthless anymore. i want to just move on