i meet my dad again

09/07/23

today mom allowed me to go with dad and see some horses with him, it was really nice!, well, some accidents happened during the horse show. a girl  (jockey) suddenly falls from her horse and the horse hits her leg (atleast no broken bones), and then a dad (also a jockey) made his child get in a horse, but the dad got distracted and the horse runned away with the girl, atleast other jockeys were fast enough to catch the horse with the girl

despite that... i feel like im more familiar with my dad instead of my mom..

i mean, hes like my actual family, the place i come from, he respects and accepts me and i do the same for him, i feel... happier with him, like i really want to live with him, and he said that he doesnt mind if i do

but with my mother its just strange, she sometimes gifts and shows me she loves me, but some moments later she yells or talks to me in how much i need to be independent, she always asks me to react or help, but when i do she just gets mad, or just starts to cry for no reason, when she does that i just stay silent and feel... hopeless around her, like i cant do anything, i cant be perfect enough for her to accept me how i am, i just wish she could actually understand me, that i cannot do everything she says because im still learning, but she wont, she wants me to be independent, she wants me to be perfect, she wants to make me study what she wants, and i feel she wants to keep my life busy with school, only school and work, because shes my mother and i have to obey her

i feel useless