just a look into the brain of an 18y/o girl

here are some random journal entries from my first year at university with absolutely no context;)

09/12/2022

I feel that my beauty is limited. that one day I will wake up and be ugly again. That the same universe that made me pretty will decide I don't deserve it anymore. I spend my days obsessing over my looks. How I can style my hair to look the best, how I can do my makeup to get the most compliments, how little I can eat because if I'm fat I won't be pretty. I fear that if I lose my beauty then I lose my value. Do I even have value without my beauty? Without beauty I am invisible. Without beauty I am nothing.

24/02/2023

I hate that being in a relationship feels inevitable, that it is the big purpose of life to find"the one" and settle down. and that being single is just the gap in between partners. I'm scared of losing myself to relationships, of feeling incomplete when I'm alone. I might want to be an individual more than I want love.

25/03/2023

The reason I let my friends walk all over me and can't seem to acknowledge their ill intentions towards me is because I'm so scared of them leaving me, of being abandoned. I would rather be treated like shit than be alone.