homewrecker

dear z, 

here’s the thing: 

guilt sets in again. 

because the thing is, i think i’m pms-ing again but i am absolutely fucking spiralling right now. 

what do i do about the fact that i fucked my friends girlfriend & then she got up out of my bed and broke up with my friend that very morning? and now i’m dating her that friend was already fucking someone else who she then dated & just kind of left juniper & then juniper & i got together & i still felt like the other woman & (i’ve talked enough about juniper’s ex that i should finally give her a name- claire) claire was off with her new girlfriend & over juniper but not really because every time juniper would go to kiss me around claire i would see this look on claire’s face like she’d been stabbed. 

and then we all left & juniper didn’t talk to me for 3 weeks & she would talk to claire and that stung & then claire’s going to visit juniper & i can’t afford that & i’m fucking upset because i’ll probably never see her again but claire gets to go out there on a fucking whim & then to make matters worse there’s raj. 

every time juniper calls & she’s with raj he asks if it’s claire, and then when she says no, it’s me, he says he’s shocked. this has happened like 3 times in the past 2 weeks & god i wish it didn’t sting so bad. 

& then claire broke up with her new girlfriend and so now claire’s ex and i are talking and it turns out claire was so in love with juniper the whole time. 

and then when we were in new york & i was on the phone with juniper apparently claire tried to call her 3 times & then later claire told me herself and sighed & said “i tried calling juniper but she was already on the phone with you.” and i said “sorry” and she said “i mean, i guess you get precedent now. that’s kinda weird.” 

and yes it does fucking bother me because it’s still all fucking fresh & i’m fucking stuck i don’t know what to do because it’s not fair to juniper if i don’t tell her how i feel but i don’t want her to fucking change her whole relationship with claire because there’s little things about it that bother me & most of them are in the past anyway- juniper’s over claire & it’s just claire that’s doing the things that bother me but i don’t know i feel like whatever i do is going to be selfish & i actually haven’t really felt bothered by anything for a while & then it was last night when raj was giving juniper shit because he just assumed it was claire on the phone & it just fucking got to me. 

& i don’t want to really want to tell juniper that it stings when he says that but my fear is that she’ll just stop telling me & i think not knowing is worse. 

i don’t know, z. i don’t fucking know what to do about anything & i just wish i was fucking over it. 

talk to you later,

lola