siblings

my brother and i have a weird relationship.
we are both close and distant at the same time.

after my mental illness started affecting me in my youth, i was too distracted to spend as much time with him as we did as kids and we both lived our lives kinda separately. i moved out 4 years ago, 3 driving hours away from my parent's house. i missed most of his teenage years. when we saw each other, he said he doesn't miss me bcs i wasn't around much even when i was still living with them (spent most time in my room or out with friends). i mean, it's true but it made me feel really bad about not having spend more time with him.

he's 17 now. somehow our relationship got better lately after we started following each other on twitter (my other diary lol). we are more in contact than the years before but i was still questioning if he even likes me. when it comes to my family, he's the only one i deeply care about. that's why i want us to have a good relationship. it's just hard to express that bcs my family is not the kind to show affection or even emotions. i think i'm the most emotional person in our family and i always have to hide this side of me which is very hard. my brother isn't as emotional and kinda distant; i really can't tell what he thinks about me.

anyways, enough backstory!

last weekend, my brother spent the weekend at our flat bcs we were visiting a convention together. this was the first time that my brother was visiting us alone and i was very nervous bcs i wanted him to have a good time. the first night a friend of him was also staying at our place. my partner came home and we all got along very well. i'm usually the less talkative part of our relationship and my partner drives most conversation. sometimes this gets on my nerves bcs i fear that people, in this case my brother, like them more than me. but now that i think about it, i think it helped getting my brother more comfortable around us both. my partner is very open and talks openly about everything, even drugs, which i wouldn't have done with my brother. we had a good time together.

on sunday, my brother's train would be leaving at 4pm. my partner was at work, so we were alone together for the first time this whole weekend. we watched anime together. at this point, my social battery was at it's limit but i was still mostly relaxed.

then, at 2pm, my brother said he would get going. i was confused as it was still 2 hours until his train was leaving. he said he would go into the city and just walk around bcs he was getting tired from staying inside. i asked him if i should come with him, he said no. he said he had a great time and left. i know that my brother is a very active person but i couldn't ignore the feeling that he was leaving early bcs he was uncomfortable with me. i started crying, which almost turned into a full panic attack. i was convinced it was true that he dislikes me. i tried calming down. until this point, i never asked him for affirmation. bcs of his distant nature, i was so scared that he would confirm my fear that he hates me. but now, i was panicking. i thought i had nothing to lose bcs if i didn't ask him now, i would forever be convinced that he left bcs of me.

i called him. he was a bit confused. i tried to sound as normal as i could but i think he could tell i was crying (EMBARRASSING). i asked him if i really shouldn't come with him. he said it was all good. then i asked him if he really didn't leave bcs of me. he said that wasn't the case. his social battery was just empty and he was getting tired, so he needed time alone to recharge. he really sounded genuine. i was really relieved but also embarrassed to have shown me that vulnerable. we were talking a bit more and he said he would write me a message when he gets home safely. he did, and also said again that he had a great time this weekend. when he said it the first time, i assumed that he lied to not make me feel bad, but he really had fun with us.

i'm really happy that i was brave enough to ask him even if it was uncomfortable and embarrassing. i felt like i had no other choice. i think i understand my brother much better now. he's just like me: an introvert. i feel optimistic about our future relationship. i think it's like with many other siblings: you get along better when you grow older. maybe we could start playing games together, we already talked about one that would interest us both. we'll see.

(i don't really know how to end this blog entry as i am crying again rn lol)