im back, and i am still a sad mess

Twitter is going through some bad shit as Elon Musk bought the rights of that app and now he controls everything. Twitter used to be so so fun, now its like lowkey lame, anyways. A lot of things happen in my first years in college, I met a lot of new people and formed bonds with them. College for me is such a scary thing because I will lose everything the moment I fail a class. I'm a scholar student and the only thing that keeps me going through college is that I am scarred of losing the scholarship program. Now I am enjoying my summer vacation (kinda), what I hate about summer vacations is that when I'm just stuck at our house, I feel sad here and I remember a lot of things. These days I frequently cry myself to sleep, and I delude myself with fantasies that I live happily, where I am cared for and nurtured. These days I am haunted by my yearnings, I yearn to be hugged, kissed, loved, touch and fucked, but I suppressed these things at the back of my mind a long time ago because of my low self-esteem and negative self concept. Love? at what instance I deserve it? to get kissed? I can't even stand myself, I fucking hate myself, I am disgusting. I always touch my own skin, and comfort myself saying " no one would know how fucking hideous I am if I stay nonchalant and plantonic to everyone" if no one finds me pretty no one would know that I am a fucking fat fuck hiding her folds in big lame ass shirts. I'm always a loser, and kindness of people feels weird if it's directed towards me. I will never recover and I will never seek help, without this grief from killing myself over and over again I would be empty.