not to self diagnose but im finna self diagnose

I'm like 95% sure I've been experiencing maladaptive daydreams. this is something I think I've been experiencing for years but I've never even considered it daydreaming bc well I just a kid and it's normal for kids to just imagine things in their heads n shit. at some point it was just like I'd only do it at night to like sleep and shit. I feel like it was more controllable back then which is a bit ironic that younger me had more control than current me. but yeah lately it's been like constant. I'll fall into like 2 to 3 of these bad boys a day and they can range from like 20 minutes to an hour before I yk wake myself up and realize hey dumbass you're a human being with responsibilities!!!!

after finding out MD means yeah I just cant think of any other thing it could be. as of typing this I just left a like almost hour worth of daydreaming. when it happens it's like I dont exist. it's like I'm not on planet earth, it's so weird. at first yk it wasnt so constant it wasnt daily. well that might not be true entirely, maybe it was daily? but it definitely wasnt this bad. I'm constantly going in and out of reality and into these daydreams. it has become extremely unhealthy. I cant focus and stuff and they can be hard to leave bc I get so into the universe. 

I will not get into the daydreams themselves bc yk they're fucking weird lmao. but unlike from what I've seen from other people, the worlds I imagine do not contain me. I've seen other people talk about how they yk imagine themselves in different worlds in their daydreams and what not but I am never in any if mone. I've recently come to the conclusion that its bc I literally hate myself so much that I would rather imagine a world where I dont exist, which typing this made me really sad lol. but I mean technically I do exist since I am controlling it??? idk man. it's a stretch tho. 

this was a spur of the moment blog bc I feel like this is pretty dangerous and idk how to stop it from being so constant. like I've been in bed ALL DAY. and the more time I spend laying in bed the more likely I am to fall into a lengthy daydream sequence. and yk if I'm in a daydream that means I am not getting anything done which is reeeeeeeeally bad for me. I'm very work oriented I guess is the term. I like to work. welll... I like to try to work. I like getting things done. and when I fall into these daydreams it takes away time I could be spending on drawing or my personal projects or stories I wanna develope. I spend so much time in my head that staying in the real world has become so difficult. like something I'm hyper aware of the fact that I'm alive and on earth and it's weird lol. then sometimes my eyes are open I'm awake but I dont feel here nor there. i dont wanna call it disassociating, but what the fuck else could that be? IDK. idk where I'm goin with this, its took a turn and now I dont know what else to say. god dammit, I always do this.

but hey, perhaps I could be wrong and this isnt maladaptive daydreaming. maybe I'm literally just fucking insane.

I didnt proofread this shit and I'm writin it while layin down so theres prolly tons of mistakes lmao.