27/6/23 Mindfulness in times of nerves and desires

Highlights

• Walking in the rain
• Watching the Idol
• Reading the revenge of the iron blooded sword hound

The labelling of things, the judgement and analysis of things causes so much suffering. Even as I say that I'm doing exactly that in saying so. To have an empty mind seems like a far off goal to me. Especially since I have had such an egotistical day today. But I shall make sure to mention most of what has been eating me.

First, I have been missing the mark I have been setting for myself. I have set this ideal which I never seem to achieve. And the ideal that I have set has not ideal therefore trying to achieve him is counterproductive. I have been unable to be as mindful as I'd want to or as smart, wholesome, dedicated, calm and intellectual I would want to be. I want to be many more things but I need to understand that those are just labels. I am not those things and I am those things. These are all just in the mind. 

Also my interest in fashion has gone up since my return to college has been decided. I was up late last night trying on new outfits and I'm looking forward to trying them out in campus. But there is also this feeling of anxiety attached as how will other perceive me..

If I could only sit back and watch life happen it just seems so difficult to do right now. Sometimes I try to hard sometimes I relax too much, it is just so difficult to get the balance right. 

Atleast the weather is good to me today. It feels like AC without AC.

Also I have got different fears regarding college again, but this time I won't let myself be ruled by anxiety and fear. I'm different now.

I'm too anxious and nervous to write anymore so I'll say goodbye here.

XD