as the sixth month ends

Life is so infuriating. being an adult is just one big scam. there are no systems to help me, everything "made" to help those in need is a scam. capitalism is a scam. landlords are inherently evil. how do these people in power just get away with toying with human rights like this.

and the thing is i'm doing everything i can on my side. i know my rights. i know when people are trying to take advantage of me. i have been in contact with the state and have been trying to find pro bono lawyers, because lord knows i can't afford a normal one. everything is a process that takes time and in every single instance so far it has ended poorly for me. i don't HAVE time, and it never even ends up working out regardless.

a place i was heavily planning on moving to randomly denied me 3 days before i was supposed to move. they stated it was because of my credit. i have good credit. i asked to clarify what scores were needed - and they gave me a range less than what i have. so they lied. it is because of my age. there is nothing in place protecting young adults who are the main ones struggling in this economy. i HAVE rental credit history. but only one place, which i fucking guess is not enough. i OFFERED to pay several months rent in advance and to prove with receipts that i have NEVER been late on any rent or bill payment in my life. they didn't want to hear any of it. they don't care about people they care about money. they can legally deny me because i quite literally have only had 2 years as an adult - as if that is at all my fault.

moving there was supposed to make things better. i have not felt safe or at "home" since i was in high school. i have not had a space that i could ever be comfortable in. that was going to be this space. it literally is not safe at my house. i live in a very shady area. i want out but all the systems are built against me while being disguised as help.

i got denied food stamps, their reason being i didn't provide proof of my income. i gave them every single piece of documentation that has basically existed about me ever. i spent a total of 13 hours on hold with the state in order to even get fucking interviewed for them - there is no other way to do it. it is like they didn't even try. i most certainly did prove my income and how i only make enough to survive, and i actively choose between gas or a full meal. 

i love my job and i understand why i get paid what i do, it is a small business. i want another job but need to move first so i can get a job in a safe area. i can't commit to a full time job because i am disabled. i have been working on getting disability benefits from the government since the beginning of 2023 - it still says it estimates i will not have a decision on my application until september. thats 9 months i have been endlessly trying to make ends meet faced with roadblock after roadblock and rejection after rejection. and i KNOW they're just going to end up denying me and i will have to start the whole process over again, but with a lawyer i can't afford - because they do that for everyone who applies for disability.

i'll never forget being given a word count limit on that application when it asked me to describe how and why my disability impairs my life. you want me to describe the hardest thing i have ever been through in 500 words? they don't care. they don't want to know. i literally could not finish listing off every single impairment it causes in bullet point form within that word limit. I was not even given a chance to explain my side.

I am not mooching off of anyone let alone the fucking government that hates people like me. i need the assistance they love to advertise that they give. they never cared about poor people. i am stuck in a cycle of poverty that i can only realistically see being broken by leaving the country. this is my plan but obviously i need to get somewhere in my life where i can live safely without feeling like i am constantly being forced into survival mode before i can even dream of saving up the funds it takes to do that.

i have been angry before. i have hated the world and everyone in it plenty of times. i grew up in abusive and neglectful household where i was the black sheep in the family and nobody ever believed me. i survived because of my anger.

but now it feels so much like defeat. like nothing i do will fix anything because this system is so inherently broken there is no winning for anyone. i have always been less fortunate than others but never have i dealt with envy like i have now. i see the lives other people get to live, especially those of my cousins with well off parents. if i had just been luckier...

theres the life that i want, the life that keeps me motivated to keep pushing through this relentless year. then, theres the life i have. they feel farther apart every day. money doe buy happiness when it can provide safety and security - both of which i do not have. i can physically feel my stress manifesting in my body. it feels like it has moved in, it lives here now. i have not been able to relax and feel free my whole fucking life. and the wort fucking part is i am not alone in this experience !! so many other young adults are going through the exact same shit and nothing that exists in our government right now will make it better.

the system was never going to benefit those it was actively made against. and it feels impossible to leave the oppression. i'm not on some mental health spiral or suicidal shit. i am just a human living in the world the greed of humanity created.

(not proofread before posted)