times like these

dear z,

the thing is, i leave work stumbling. when i get back into the car, i try to put my cup in the cup holder & it falls out, & i try to throw my sunglasses on the seat & they fall on the floor, & so with the very last remaining common sense i have, i walk down to the grocery store & get one of their pre-made crème brûlées & eat it by the river while i wait for the blood to return to my being. 

juniper said the other day, should it bother her that she genuinely doesn’t know how i’m doing. the issue is, i keep telling her i’m alright but i’m really not alright, and these past few days whenever i she calls it’s when i’ve already fallen asleep so it’s late at night & i’m such a negative nancy, always complaining & i feel bad. 

it rained today, and if i still have the same gusto when i get home that i do now, i am going to finally throw away everything i own that i don’t need & i will be ready to just fucking run at the drop of a hat. 

all my love, all my good morrow, eternally yours, 

lola