[vent] I fucking hate my parents so much.

(TW: ABUSE, SELF HARM AND SUICIDE)

Listen, I get it, my room has been a mess for 3 years and you are sick of walking in on it looking like someone bombed the place and all, but do you really think that yelling at your kids over it is gonna make it any better?

I PHYSICALLY cannot be having the same god damn conversation about my room, because they very much know I was diagnosed with depression around the same time my room started turning to shit, and since my mom was abused to the point of depression herself, she should understand how this shit feels, right? no. 

She and my dad (who went through most of his life without an autism diagnosis) think it's a good idea to constantly yell at their kids over something not being done, literally use my autistic traits as a clap back whenevr I try to speak up (either that or they just use them as a reasoning in their arguement), and whenever the whole family comes up with a plan to both meet my accomidations and get the job done, it backfires one way or another because my parents can't seem to understand that their kids work differently than them.

On top of that, they also compare their taruma to ours (and by the way, a lot of this trauma was caused by them), and basically tell us that we got "the easy life". 

Lemme tell you, having to deal with sensory issues almost all the fucking time, having to hear about our world turning to shit all the time, dealing with constant intrusive thoughts that I do not want to have almost every day, feeling like you're not good enough for anyone, having barely any friends (and half the time,  most of them don't want to hang out with you because they precieve you as "annoying" or something), getting bullied by people online and in person, and wanting to fucking kill yourself all the time, AND ALL BECAUSE YOUR BRAIN WORKS DIFFERENTLY AND THEY DON'T LIKE IT is not an "easy" life. 

What's worse is that's just me, my sister probably has to go through worse and I might not even know it becasue we struggle to talk about our emotions, because we either are invalidated, or get locked into a psych ward to rot for about two weeks. 

On top of that, my parents not only do not help with any of our situations, but seem to make it worse for us. And honestly, with the way they've treated me and my sister the past three years, it's no wonder why we tried to run away twice, its no wonder why we isolate ourselves almost all the ime, it's no wonder why we never talk to them about shit. 

on top of that, sometimes it gets so bad that it turns physical. For example, one time back in 2021, I had to go home on the first friday I was at my new school because i wasn't feeling well (physically and emotionally), and my mom was threatening to take me back to my old school on the way back. Obviously, i started crying because i didn't feel welcomed at that school or the district it was in because i had gotten bullied before, and she got mad that i was crying, so when we got home, she grounded me, and this pretty much caused me to have a meltdown because I was already struggling with mental health problems prior, and i just couldn't take it anymore. 

I did not want to be around my mom while I cried so i tried to head to my room, but she stopped me and told me to stay in the living room. I tried psuing myself through so i can go into my room and have the meltdown there, and I'm not sure what happened, I think I might've shoved her or something, but next thing I knew, she pinned me against the wall (on a lightwitch with a button that didn't have the cover on it), she leaned over to where her face was close to mine and she began screamimg. She did this for a moment before she dropped me and treatened to call the cops on me because i apperenatly "assaulted" her because i just wanted to go to my room. I begged her not to, and she kept threatening me with teh idea of going back to the psych ward, which made things 100 times worse, and for the rest of those couple hours, I was crying while also self harmimg, while she screamed at me to shut up. After a while, my mom called my dad, who told us to just not talk to eachother until we calmed down, which she wasn't happy about, but went to watch an episode of dr. phil to get her mind off of me, and she let me go to my room to finish my meltdown. 

Now, I know what you're thinking, "nozomi, why haven't you told cps about this??" Well, I did end up telling the councelor the following monday, and she said she would make an anonymous police report about it, but nothing had been done since then since "there was no evidene" (even though I had a mark on my back from the lightswich against my back, I think I still have it idk), and I have told other adults i trusted about it too, but nothing. I stopped reporting about it snce then because nobody i tell takes it seriously and it sucks.

I haven't really had meltdowns since then, and things had slightly calmed down after that, but they still yell at me and my sister occasionally over our chores and shit, I'm honestly considering self harmimg agin because it physically can't take it anymore. I'm done.

Anyway, I know this was really long and I apologize, just wanna get this off my chest because they yelled at me over my room again today and it made me think of allthe shitty treatment from my parents and shit. I honestly wish i could go live with Tony Crynight, because he at least isn't a piece of shit to me. I also apologize for the spelling errors, I just am kind of a fast typer lol. I might repost this on reddit or something, :p