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i think im overly sensitive to wording. 

i think that the way i use words is different to how other people use words. or maybe im overthinking that part. all i know is that im sensitive to words when im triggered. not triggered in an intense way, but in a small way. i bring this up because i started feeling emotional about something specific. i like being honest with myself and with other people, to an extent. i don't like providing too much because in my own eyes i get impatient. with myself and with others. 

i think im very particular about how i want to be spoken to. 

i think i have control issues.

i think i have trouble feeling wanted, or desired, or sought after. when i see others include themselves into things i get a strange feeling of uncomfortableness. whether that be because i feel an odd sense of second-hand embarrassment or because i imagine i would feel intruded upon if someone did that to me, i don't know right now. on the other hand, i also don't know if it's because i feel a type of... envy. jealousy. desire to be that way. desire from myself or an imaginary other person.

i think im naturally a very emotional person, but i keep it contained and in my head and not for others (for the most part) to see or witness. this makes me remember a lot of the arguments between my family. me failing to keep my face straight and it ending with me sobbing and screaming while retreating to my room to curl into a ball underneath thick blankets. 

i think it's hard for me to include myself. i am so used to hearing and seeing others be shamed for wanting attention. "she's doing it for attention" "she only did that so that you guys would like her" "she's so annoying" "she always invites herself to our parties" "she's faking it" "she's doing it for attention". 

why is that so bad?

i think my perception is very skewed because of these internalized feelings that were projected onto me. i feel like any instance of me wanting attention from anyone is bad. i wasn't invited so i must not be welcomed. i wasn't explicitly told i was wanted there so i must not show up. even if i want to go, i must not go, because if i force my way in, i will be shamed for it. i will be talked about behind my back as someone who is annoying, doesn't know when she isn't wanted, and someone who is attention-seeking. 

i know this is a very skewed and extreme way of thinking about this particular subject. "don't be so hard on yourself, if they don't want you there, they'll tell you". there are so many instances that you have probably not been directly honest with someone, so for you, hypothetical person, to say that, is hypocritial. it's hypocrital for myself to say. which is why i'll probably have this mindset for many years to come. 

i feel so tired. i feel so sad. i feel so defeated. i feel like any effort i thought i could muster up would be wasted because at the last minute i'd decide that i'd rather not have any experiences at all if it meant that i would never experience a bad one.

i don't think i'm socialized enough, mom.