Dear Jessy, I'm Sorry

Dear Jessy,

Hi... it’s me from the future. You go by Jessica now and you much prefer it that way. You used to get so mad when people thought your name was short for Jessica... but turns out you’d come to love it.  You’re 31 at the time of writing this and you’re... believe it or not... you’re okay.

Well... as okay as you can be for someone enduring all you’re enduring.

I feel so horrible for you. I mourn you like you’re a loved one who passed away, but in reality, you’re just me. It’s not fair what Dad did... but I want you to know... and I need you to understand that it was never your fault. You were never being punished... you were being abused. You were being hurt and stifled and stunted and nobody could understand.

I understand now. I understand for them, my love. I know it hurts.

Believe me, small one, that one day these things will come to an end. Your voice will matter. That day will come, Jess. I promise you. Long after Dad is gone and missed by people who just don’t understand pain and suffering, you will find peace and you will find freedom from being used.

And when it happens... I will be sure to tell you. I promise we deserve it. We didn’t do anything wrong.

We’re still not Christian, but... something that changes your life later is when the man at the gas station said: “God didn’t do that to you, your father did.”

Anyway... before I get too into my feelings for my first my letter... I want you to know that I am extremely sorry for everything you’ve had to experience. You never deserved it, it was never your fault, and there is no way in hell he got away free in the end... souls have to go *somewhere* and there’s got to be a sorting system. So... don’t worry now.

He disappears, I promise. Just hang on... and things gets better. You end up in Kentucky, you end up in love, and you end up slowly but surely following your dreams... even if they are silly and small, but our therapist says to stop judging myself... so... keep liking all the things you like... you turn out pretty okay.

It gets better... not easier, but better.

-- Jessica Snow (that’s you, now!)