Time passed by. Over the next several months, Lily came out to our friends, one by one. Her confidence came back as well, as she wasn't usually so vulnerable. And soon enough, she was back to the Lily I knew: open, friendly, and confident. Everything was back to normal. But I didn't want it to be normal. Not really. I wanted it to be better.
One day, she called me. "Hey Bea, there's this party in town on Tuesday. Wanna go with me?" I was caught off guard, this fiend shooting an arrow straight into my heart. "O-oh, yeah, definitely!" I said, probably a bit too enthusiastically. "Great!" she replied, also enthusiastically. "It's at eight, so bring a jacket." She hung up. I was left completely baffled as to the event that had just occurred. What the hell was that? Did she ask me out on a date? My hyperactive imagination began swirling, spawning a sea of fantasies and events that could take place. I cursed myself and tried to act like a regular human being. It's just a party. This didn't help much, as I generally disliked parties. I found them to be much too loud and didn't like interacting with drunk strangers. I checked my calendar. There were four days until the party, so I began preparing myself mentally for it. You can do this, Beatrix. It's just a party with a very cute girl who invited you personally and a bunch of strangers. Simple. I chose a dress, shoes, makeup, and handbag in advance, not trusting whatever my reasoning skills would be on the day.
Decisions were made and remade several times over the next four days until it was finally Tuesday. I gushed to my friend Sami about what was happening for the seventh time in two days. "Oh my God, Bea, I get it. You're gay. Stop disturbing me with this," Sami said, exasperated. "I swear I'll never understand you allos."
"Oh, be quiet and let me be happy for once," I replied, a fully grown woman dancing around her room. "Who knows, maybe we'll get married that same night. Anything could happen."
"Whatever, bottom. I need to finish this project, so go do your bullshit. See ya."
"You-" I tried to say, but they had already hung up. "They could at least be somewhat happy for me."
As eight o'clock neared, I decided to finally get ready. I put on a black and gold skater dress and a black choker. I wasn't too fond of high heels, so I opted for white sneakers instead. I also wore a leather biker jacket over my dress and tied my hair up in a bun. Grabbing my handbag and making sure I brought everything I needed, I looked in the mirror in front of my medicine cabinet.
A few years ago, this would have caused my immense dysphoria, but now I quite liked the way I looked. It's astonishing what changed in all that time. I went to take my estrogen pills when my cat, Duo, began meowing loudly.
"Sorry Duo, I have to go again. It's ok, Beepy will feed you." Beepy was what I called the automatic cat feeder. Duo, upon hearing this, walked over to it, scratching at it. "It's not yet eight o'clock, Duo," I laughed. "You're just early, silly cat." I left the house to the screeching protests of a black and grey cat.
"Oh, I see you!"
Lily waved from her car parked at the end of the street I was walking down. I waved back, hanging up my phone before walking quickly down the road. After getting into her car, she compliments my appearance. "You look great, Bea! Your dress is nice." I blushed, as expected, and gave a compliment back. "Yeah, you look good too. I like your..." I paused slightly, having almost said "face". Instead, I told her, "I like your eyes."
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"...Oh." Lily paused, but it was so dark outside I couldn't see her reaction. "T-thank you. Your eyes are... pretty, too." My face felt very hot. "Thanks." We drove the rest of the way, Nobody by Mitski playing on the radio. The silence was certainly something. I wasn't sure if it was comfortable or unbearable, but it was definitely there.
"So, I know I said this was a party, and it kind of is, but it's also like, a fair?" Lily said, breaking the silence. "Like, it's almost a carnival of sorts. Ben and Toby will be there too if that's ok." Relieved at a change in topic, I reassured her. "No, that's fine. I prefer carnivals to parties anyway." She winced. "Yeah, sorry about that. I forgot you didn't really go to parties with us much." Lily was silent for a bit before continuing. "...Why did you agree to come anyway?" There was no way I could just tell Lily outright that I had a massive crush on her and that that was the sole reason I was in her car right now, so I tried to improvise. "Oh, that was because I, uh, I... guess I just wanted to hang out with you," I said quietly. Maybe I didn't have to lie. My face felt really hot again, and I thought I could see Lily smiling, though it was probably just the moonlight. It spread across her face, illuminating it in just the right way that she looked like a painted canvas, her beauty ready to spread across the world. I caught myself staring again and looked away again.
We arrived at the destination right as the singer said, "Give me one good movie kiss and I'll be alright~". We got out of the car. I stood beside Lily. Over the months, she grew both mentally and physically. She used to only be a few inches taller than me, but she now towers over me, several inches taller. This, I found, was not a problem in the slightest. I looked up at her, but her face looked a bit red. Maybe she added a bit too much blush, I thought. "The boys are waiting at the rollercoaster." Lily looked down at me and held out her arm. "Shall we?" she said jokingly. I'm unsure what it was about that sentence, but I felt something odd about the way she said it. Something primal. I ignored this, not wanting to appear weird, and took her outstretched arm. "We shall," I replied, only half-joking. We walked down to the rollercoaster, arm in arm. Neither of us spoke or looked at each other. I was beginning to feel like Lily didn't want me to be here. She wasn't talking as much as usual, and she looked away a lot. I didn't want to ruin the day, but I could only ignore this for so long.
We arrived at the carnival, with bright lights and loud sounds everywhere.
"We should go on a few rides before meeting up with the others," Lily suggested.
"You just want to go on the go-karts, don't you?" I responded. Lily did not deny this and instead grabbed my arm. "You know me so well." We wandered around until we found the go-kart ride. "Come on, get on," Lily said, jumping right into one.
This pattern repeated with five other rides and games. It was a comfortable atmosphere, and I couldn't help but giggle. This was how it was meant to be, I thought. My friend invited me out to a carnival. Why was I making it weird? She just wanted to have a nice time with her friend, and I was not about to mess it up because I couldn't control my feelings. She probably isn't attracted to me anyway, so there wasn't any point in trying. This was a little hard to accept, however.
We met up with Ben and Toby, Lily's brother and his boyfriend, respectively. "Hey guys," Toby said, his British accent strong today. He pointed to the giant metal contraption behind him. "We've been on this thing twice already. My God, is it terrifying."
"Yeah, but you liked it both times," Ben interjected. "Why else would you go on it twice?"
"Maybe because you said we should?"
"Lies and deceit," Ben said, shaking his head. "Well, the benches are just down here, so we can sit there."
The four of us walked down to the benches, where most spots were available. "Why is it so empty?" I asked. "The main festivities took place hours ago," Toby explained. "All that's left is watching the fireworks or going on some rides a few more times before the kids get tired." I looked back at Lily, who seemed to be staring at a second, larger rollercoaster.
"Oh, that. It got closed down after not enough people wanted to ride it," Toby remarked.
Lily had a look in her eyes, one I've only ever seen a few times before. Pure, unadulterated determination. "I'm going on that ride."
"What?" Ben barked. "Didn't you hear Toby? It's closed."
"I didn't ask, Benny. I'm going up there." She turned to me, that fire still burning in her eyes, now burning through me. "Come on Bea, you know you want to." I couldn't exactly deny this. The rollercoaster, while terrifying, was also strangely inviting. I wanted to go there. "Hmm, I guess we could try?" I offered. "No promises though." She grinned at me. I couldn't say no even if I wanted to. We ran over to the second rollercoaster. Its operator was reading a magazine about automobiles. "Hey, is it possible to get on the coaster still?" Lily asked. The operator looked up at the two of us. "You'll have to wait a bit," they said. "It's gonna take a bit though."
"I thought it was closed," I said, remembering Toby's words. "It was closed. A couple others wanted to get on, so we have to open up again."
Lily was beaming. "Yeah, we can wait." We went back to the benches, where Toby was missing. "Where did Toby go?" I asked Ben. "Oh, he went to get us cotton candy. Did the operator turn you away?" he asked, smirking. "No, actually. We can get on soon." Ben looked surprised. "Oh. They turned us away."
"Maybe it's because you look weird," Lily said playfully. "Maybe they don't let ugly people on."
"Shut up, you."
We waited for a few more minutes before going back to the ride. Toby came back and talked about seeing an old man with what looked like blood in his eyes, while Ben mocked him for being scared of clowns. We talked and ate, and then talked some more. Before deciding it was probably time to leave again, Lily gave Ben a weird look, to which he rolled his eyes just before we went. The operator let us on, and we sat there, waiting for the rollercoaster to start. I felt the adrenaline pumping through me, and I was sure Lily was feeling the same. Suddenly, the ride jolted and began moving. Lily was grinning the entire time.
The path the rollercoaster would take was a typical one. An initial long climb, a sharp dive, then several more twists and turns before coming to a stop. The difference was that this path had a dive, unlike anything I had ever seen. The wind was blowing in our faces. Lily turned to me. "Hey," she shouted over the wind. "I wanted to tell you something." I turned to face her. "What is it?" I shouted back. "I wanted to say, this was never meant to be a party. I lied." I'm confused. "What do you mean?" I said. We were reaching the peak of the rollercoaster.
"I mean, even though the other two are here, I just wanted an excuse to spend time alone with you. You're a really great person, and I really enjoy the time we spend together. I-" There's a loud, metallic sound by the rollercoaster reaching the peak as she is cut off. I can't tell what she's trying to build up to, but I could tell it was important to her. I did my best to pay full attention to her, despite my hair slapping me in the face and the inevitable doom facing me. Lily turned to face me. "I have a crush on you, Beatrix!"
The rollercoaster descended.
After the rollercoaster came to a complete stop, Lily got out quickly. She hasn't stopped grinning. Meanwhile, I haven't stopped thinking. She has a crush? On me? She has a crush on me? What? Huh? Am I dreaming? Is this real? All these thoughts and more crossed my mind several times over. Lily extended a hand to me from the station platform. "Need a hand?" I couldn't even begin to describe just how hot my face felt at that moment. She pulled me up out of my seat effortlessly, and I found myself pressed against her. I stepped back quickly, almost falling back off the platform, but she caught me, and I found myself staring into her piercing grey eyes. She had this massive grin on her face, and my face felt hotter still. "Can we talk somewhere else?" she asked. I nodded, unable to look her in the eyes again, so we walked over to a hill overlooking the entire carnival. Music could still be heard, and a couple stray fireworks could still be seen, but it was quiet enough for us to speak normally. A pop song begins playing. Lily set her jacket down beside me and gestured me to sit on it. So I sat.
"So, about what I said."
Ah, yes. Here we go. Time for me to die. I was completely out of my element here. Despite all the time I spent dreaming about a perfect, fantasy-like scenario, I still had no idea what to do. I had nothing to say if not to stammer helplessly. "O-ok then," I squeak out.
Lily sighs. "Ok. So, just to reiterate, I have a crush on you. Like, a massive one." She glanced at me. "A-am I being too overbearing? Like, do you want me to back off a bit?" I shook my head vigorously. "N-no, not at all!" I laughed, trying to play it off and not break down in tears of joy.
"Alright," she continued. "I would say my crush on you started seriously a few months ago. Remember when I came out to you at Sami's parents' beach house?"
"Yeah," I said, thinking back to it. I still remember the day fondly.
"When I told you, I said I wasn't coming out to get with you or anything." She laughs softly. "That was a lie, too. In actuality, I liked you since we were kids. Even after you came out and started transitioning, I still liked you. That's how I realised I might have been bi."
I thought back to when I first told Lily I was trans. I was a wreck. Certain people treated me in certain ways, and I was so deathly afraid of losing her friendship too. She was kind to me, though, far kinder than others, and this cemented our friendship. I buried my face a little deeper into my knees.
"The only reason I'm even telling you this is because I figured you wouldn't hate me for it. That even though you probably don't reciprocate it, it wouldn't change anything about us," Lily continued, smiling sadly. "That we'd still be friends after."
I wanted to tell her that I absolutely reciprocated her feelings and that she didn't need to worry about losing me, but I tried to let her finish.
"Anyway, that's most of what I wanted to say. This entire thing was just a ploy to get to talk to you like this," Lily said, gesturing around her. "And I guess I accomplished that. It felt... nice."
"Spending time with you is always nice," I said automatically. God, I cannot control myself. Lily laughed softly again. "Thanks, Bea."
We sat in silence, listening to the song playing and watching the fireworks. I still wasn't sure what to say here. Do I confess? The thought unnerved me, but this was literally the perfect time to do it. I couldn't see any other reason not to other than my own anxiety, so I went for it. "I, um... I guess that I..." I trailed off, trying to build up the courage to do this. "I... reciprocate your feelings?"
Lily turned to me, looking shocked. She blinked a couple of times before looking at the ground. "Oh."
"Yeah," I responded, not wanting us to fall into silence again.
"So... I was right then?"
I looked back at Lily. "What?"
Lily had a grin on her face. "I guessed you might have been into me. That... was another reason why I'm telling you this about me."
I felt my face, once again, go red. "Y-you knew? The whole time?" I exclaimed. I didn't think I was that obvious, but apparently, the gay was leaking out of me openly. "Ughhhhh," I moaned, hiding my face entirely within my hands and knees. Lily giggled again. "You were really kind of obvious about it. I wasn't sure until just now, though."
My head felt like it was spinning, my heart lurching out of my chest. This was it. This was happening. All my fantasies were coming true. Everything I had dreamed about, everything I wished for, was taking place right in front of me.
So why did I suddenly feel so uncomfortable?
It wasn't about Lily. There was something else here that I hadn't considered yet, but I wasn't sure what it was. All I knew was that I felt weird about this situation. But when I looked up at Lily, seeing her face illuminated by the moonlight, I wanted to ignore it. This unsettling feeling in my heart.
Lily tilted her head slightly. "Bea?" she said softly. Was she getting closer to me? Or was I leaning into her? Either way, someone was moving, and we were getting closer together. Her beautiful facial features, her presence, only did so much to stop the heaviness in my heart. Its beating thundered in my ears. Anxiety, fear, adrenaline. Everything was happening all at once, and I couldn't focus. I couldn't concentrate. I couldn't do this.
I put my hand up between our faces and moved away. "W-wait, I'm sorry, I..." I said, unsure how to explain myself. Lily pulled back immediately. "Oh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to pressure you, I-I just thought we were-"
I shook my head. "No, it isn't your fault. I just..." My heart was still pounding in my chest. Why? Why was I feeling like this? I wanted to be near her. To be with her. So why couldn't I just move in and kiss her? What was wrong with me? I kept stammering, struggling to say what I wanted to. What the hell was that, Bea? What's wrong with you? Just kiss her. It's not that hard. She's right there. It's easy, just move in and-
...
Oh.
I had never kissed anyone before. I had never been in a relationship before. For my entire life, the only person I've ever wanted was Lily.
You don't see this on television shows or romance media. You always see two confident people kissing, who somehow know exactly what they're doing. You never see people failing awkwardly, attempting to fit their mouths near each other in a comfortable way. And because I had never kissed anyone before this, I didn't have practice. I was in dangerously new waters but was expecting to sail them with ease, not knowing that my boat was full of holes.
"I-I'm sorry Lily, I just.. I've never..." I stammered, trying not to make her upset or lose interest in me. We were close. Very close. And I needed to tell her exactly how I was feeling. I breathed in slowly and let out a long sigh.
"Lily, I... I do want to, uh, k-kiss you. It's just that I haven't... done something like that before? A-and I didn't want to mess it up by doing something dumb, so I... stopped."
Lily watched me silently. When it was clear I wasn't going to say anything further, she spoke. "Bea, it's ok if you don't know how to kiss yet. Most people who want to learn do so at some point."
"Y-yeah, but I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. A-and anyway, I was..." My heart was still pounding in my chest. I felt my face burning once more. "I was kinda hoping... that you would... teach me?"
Lily stared at me, wide-eyed and fanning herself. "You're pretty straightforward," she said, giggling. A firework went off, and I could finally see her face clearly. She was blushing fiercely.
"W-well I didn't really know how else to put it..." I muttered. She moved around to face me and leaned in slightly.
"Ok, so first you just relax yourself."
"Well, there's the problem. I've never relaxed a day in my life," I responded, again only half-joking.
Lily laughed, and I felt my heart melt again. I still couldn't believe this was happening. "Well, I guess you're trying something else for the first time today."
She continued. "So again, just relax, double-check to make sure this is what you want to do, and lean in slightly. Just enjoy yourself, I guess." I leaned in a little. I could have sworn my heartbeat was audible. I was doing all I could to not shake. "Then part your lips slightly..." she said, quieter this time. My lips were already parted, and Lily smiled slightly. "Then," she whispered, taking my hand, "look them in the eyes, and lean in..."
Our faces were mere centimetres apart now. My head was swimming with images, some good, some bad, some raunchy, some modest. All of these images, and visions, and fantasies were with Lily. There was a voice in my head somewhere, screaming. As if Sappho herself came down from the heavens and whispered to me, "You got this, girl."
Lily looked me directly in the eyes, her other hand on my chin. "Just follow my lead, ok?" She pulled me into her. My eyes closed.
And our lips felt one another.
Something happened inside of me. Something changed. It was like a spark of electricity led to the creation of a monster, hungering for more. Lily's lips were so, so soft. She tasted vaguely of applesauce. My mind was blank, but it also wasn't. There were millions of disaster scenarios floating through my head, but they quickly dissipated. Here, in this moment. There was nothing more important than this. Nothing.
We broke apart, my eyes fluttering open. I looked up at Lily. Her eyes had a glint of something mischievous, but also a hint of concern. "You alright, Bea?" she asked softly. I am far more than alright, I thought. I didn't say this out loud, however. I didn't say anything at all and just stared at her in shock and embarrassment. "I-I, um, I... that was... d-did we just..." My brain was in overload.
Lily grinned down at me. "Yeah, I guess we did. Your first kiss, huh?"
There was a phrase somewhere inside me I wanted to let out, but I didn't want to ruin the moment or make Lily uncomfortable by pressing too hard. I wanted to ask her this, so, so badly.
I wanted her to kiss me again.
I squirmed uncomfortably. "Hey, so... that was nice and all, but..." I struggled to let the words out. "Do you maybe, kinda, sorta... want to do that again?" I blurted out. I wasn't looking at Lily when I said this, but when I did look at her, her face was alight. She quickly regained her posture. "Y-yeah, of course, haha!" She was laughing a bit more loudly now. I felt far more comfortable than I did a while ago. The anxiety was gone, and I could think a bit more clearly now. And I knew exactly what I wanted.
Lily leaned close to me again, and I felt my heart lurch. "Just do what I told you again," she whispered.
She leaned into me again, and sparks once again flew. Her face pressed against mine a little harder this time. I wanted it more. I leaned into her this time, and she responded by pushing me back a little. I was hungry, and I would do whatever it took to be satisfied. I knew, however, that it would never be enough. I cupped her face with my hands and pulled her into me. Feeling her hand supporting my lower back, I allowed myself to fall slightly. We broke apart and leaned in again, and again, and again. Finally, she broke off and tried to say something. "Y-you're really intense, haha," she laughed. "Y-you, um..." she trailed off. I wasn't sure where to go with this, so I did what I do best: improvised.
"Let me show you intensity," I whispered to her. This time, I leaned into her, taking her by surprise. Her muffled exclamation of shock was short-lived, replaced by a quiet moan of pleasure. I broke off to take a breath, but now Lily held my face in her hands, smiling wickedly. And then she leaned in close and whispered something.
"Good girl," she purred.
Something broke in my head as soon as she finished that sentence. My eyes shot open, my face growing unbearably hot. Lily giggled, and my heart skipped a beat. This woman, six inches taller than me and built like a Greek goddess, was making me feel so small. She made me feel helpless. And, oddly enough, I felt like that was exactly how I wanted to be.
She kissed me again, and now I was lying flat on my back on the grass. I didn't mind this. My arms wrapped around her neck, hers around my back, and I could faintly make out the words of a nearby song playing.
I keep looking for something, even though I know that it's not there.
Love. This emotion was one that I had felt before, but never this strongly. And never like this. But it was here now. My searches in the past always came up fruitless, because Lily was the flower.
Every time I try to figure it out, you're the only thing I can think about.
I wondered if maybe Lily felt similarly. Love wasn't something she was a stranger to. Maybe we weren't each other's firsts, but this felt like the beginning entirely new.
Maybe you're the reason.
Maybe she was. Maybe this is what life was meant for. It didn't matter. I didn't care. Feeling Lily's lips pressed against mine, I felt nothing but pure, indescribable ecstasy. A fantasy I couldn't bear to see falter.
But all dreams come to an end.
We finally separated again, and I looked Lily in the eyes. For the first time today, I wasn't feeling like an anxious wreck. I felt a calm presence come over me. I giggled, and she did the same. She was looking at me with such a soft expression in her eyes.
We got up. "The boys are probably waiting for us down there. We should go down," Lily said.
"Yeah," I responded. I brushed off my dress and looked over to Lily, who had her hand extended towards me. "Shall we?" she asked. It was the same thing she had done before, but it felt different. I took her hand. "We shall," I repeated, and we walked hand in hand back down to the carnival.
Lily dropped me off at my house. We stepped out of her car and walked up to my front door. "Well, guess I have to go home now," I said quietly. "I wish I could spend a bit more time with you, but I can't leave Duo for too long. She gets loud when I'm not there."
"It's ok, Bea. I wanted to spend more time with you too." Lily gave a sad smile. I briefly considered letting her inside, but given my feelings on hand-holding, that seemed way too extreme. "We can meet up tomorrow on campus, though."
"Yeah, definitely!" I promised. "I'll come see you."
Lily stepped forward and kissed my forehead. "Good night, Beatrix." I grinned and sighed a little. Lily walked over to her car while waving at me, and I waved back enthusiastically. And then she was gone.
Walking inside my house, I let out a massive sigh. "Duo, I'm back!" I called out. She came up to me and jumped into my arms. "Hey buddy. I just did something awesome today." Her little nose wriggled, and I'm reminded of why I wanted a cat in the first place.
An hour later, I lied down on my bed, dressed in loose pyjamas. I went over the events of today. Meeting Lily, going on the rollercoaster, hearing Lily confess to me, me confessing to Lily, and then kissing her. My heart began beating harder just thinking about it. And with everything that happened, everything that I went through, experienced, and learned, I arrived at a single sentence.
"Man, that was incredibly gay."
"Alone in the Beach House", by me.
Thank you for reading! Hope you enjoyed my little gay story <3
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