A strange experience I lived while listening to Meteor Shower today

I'm a huge Cavetown fan, but never really searched for official meanings of some of his songs. Some of them are pretty easy to understand, like This Is Home or 1994, but I feel like some others can take different meaning depending of each listener. I might one day write about some strange feelings I had while listening to some of his song, and how scarily accurate some of them are for me (there are few where I just have to change 2-3 words in the whole song and it perfectly describe things I lived or I'm currently living).

For a bit of context, questions about my gender identity started spiraling in my brain again. It was the only part of my identity I thought my dissociation didn't took away from me, but well.. Not requestioning everything, but questioning my view of gender identity, gender expression, gender fluidity, and if I might have had been influenced by certain people to fit in a case that they wanted. By being more feminine, more masculine, more neutral, etc... I'm very influencable, and any time I think I might have made some progress on it, I realize that I learnt behavior and way of thinking I didn't like just to be appreciated by some people. For example, my ex made me doubt if I really wanted a top surgery or not. That's the only part of my transition I was always sure I wanted. But since she liked boobs, I forced myself into feminine behavior and clothes to please her. And now that I realize that, I hate it. But now I'm also questionning if I really wanted to pass this masculine or if it's just that I'm rejecting that story that happened with my ex by doing the complete opposite. The main thing that is making me doubt is that I think I might have feelings for a girl. But she's lesbian. And the rare time we were able to see each other, there are some times between queer jokes where we lightly try to figure out if a lesbian could go out with a non-binary person, how much of ''masculinity'' this person must feel or show for a lesbian to not feel attraction to them. And when we talk about ''lesbians'', it's really mostly about her and how she see it. But this story is way too complicated, I wrote a bit more details about it in my previous blog, so let's get to the point.

I go in the bathroom to take a shower. I often play the same few musics everytime I take a shower, mostly Cavetown or other artists that gives me gender envy to try to forget about that awful body I'm in. And recently I was able to diversify a bit the songs I choose, and also add some women singer too. And the musics I listened to today was such a diversified mix of gender and styles, I started dissociating. The heavy thoughts and questions about my existence and my identity, both about what styles do I actually like, what is forging my personnality, and what are actually my gender and gender expression (more precisely, what do I reject because of society's vision of it and what not) ? And as I was walking out of the shower, well, the song Meteor Shower was playing. I vaguely sang the lyrics in a lower voice, and as I was mentally still out of reality, the meaning of the lyrics started hitting differently. Mostly because they were following the shape of my thoughts. It's difficult to give examples because I have such a rush of multiple thoughts at the same time, but I'll try my best. 

I really enjoy this song because of how the visuals of the lyrics and instrumental sounds like. I realized after writing this sentence how weird it looks, so basically I feel my brain like a space, and I think both with tiny voices and visuals. And some specific things ''sounds'' to me in a visual way. I visualize how it feel in my brain, the space it take, and that's mostly why I struggle a lot to put words on things I think. So basically, the mental space that Meteor Shower is creating for me is a special kind of comforting (I can't describe how precisely, I tried, but I really can't put words on it at all). And as I was listening to the song, I realized how lonely I actually was in this space. There was something important, or most likely someone, missing (''missing pieces of my skull''). But I couldn't explain why exactly. Since I listened to love songs just before, I mostly had the thought that no exterior person will ever be able to complete this void (''I'll sew on patches of my own soul''). I started to feel scared because of how difficult and impossible it looked to me. A part of me wanted to just give up, but a more rational part (the one that kept me alive all this time lmao) suggested to just sit, watch what will happen, and wait (''There's nothing you or I can do, so let the stars fall''). I felt so tiny, pointless and powerless. That feeling of once again being a total NPC of my life with no ability to do anything to change things ('''Cause from up here, the sky is my thoughts''). And my notions of being, of sizes, of priorities, started to blur again in my head (''And we're all so small''). 

At this point I halfed realized what was happening, how the lyrics literally put in words what was happening in my head. And it's not like my thoughts were instinctively guided by it. All my thoughts were already happening all at the same time, I was just struggling to untie that big mess. I listened to the lyrics after all the thoughts were there, and then I started realizing the meaning of the words. And as I half realized that, it's that moment towards the end with the long ''We're all soooooo...''. The instrumental of this part and the the very long sound of the ''so'' mentally did to me that effect in horror movies where you zoom on the character, but the background does sort of a strange and stretched zoom out at the same time. I wasn't mentally there at all anymore. And it slowly continued, and as everything seemed to accelerate for me, some lyrics started to make a meaning to multiple things at the same time. I kinda realized that I sort of dissociated, and I really needed to be comforted. But I also remembered how scared of love and love language I am. How much I crave love, but how difficult it is for me to even know if I feel any of it or not. I realise how tired I am of my body constantly being on survival mode, and how much I crave a quick fix to finally love again (''My heart and the Earth share the same rule, It starts with love and it ends with you, But don't go outside, it's dangerous tonight, Without me right here by your side. Take it slow, you'll know, Which way to go''). And it was a weird feeling, but at a certain point of that part, Robbie's voice sound different, and it sounded to me like it ''came from elsewhere''. Like it was someone else's voice. And as I thought that to myself, I realized that in my head, it wasn't the same ''tiny voice'' listening to the music. When I listen to a music, I always ''sing'' the lyrics in the back of my head at the same with a tiny voice. But the whole ''Take it slow, you'll know, Which way to go, Sew up your skull, Take your time, And we'll be just fine'' wasn't sang by the same tiny voice in my head. It kinda unsetlled me, but not in a negative way. Because I had a feeling of familiarity with this tiny voice (I just want to make it clear that I didn't started to hear voices in my head. I'm literally talking about the tiny voice that say your thoughts in your brain. But since I have ADHD and depersonalization/derealization, I have multiple tiny voices, and I don't associate myself with my body. Sorry if it confused anyone). And as the ''Take your time, And we'll be just fine'' played, I realized that it was that missing part of me. The ones I talked earlier, when I talked about the void that no person can really fill. At this previous moment, It didn't hit me that I was the only one capable of filling it. And these few lyrics were sang in my head by that part of me I lost and who left that void behind. I still don't know if that means that it's still somewhere inside me, just really well hidden, or in the distance far away from me. All I know is that it was in the distance. And as I realized that, I completely snapped and broke into tears faster than I ever did. Robbie last two phrases of the song slower and quieter than the rest of it, it felt like my subconscious was answering to that message in the distance and accepting it (''Missing pieces of my skull, I'll sew on patches of my own skull'').

I know it might look like I romanticize the whole thing, but since my thoughts are mostly visuals, I do my best to retranscript it into words. And it's not the first time I felt such a surreal and emotional moment during a ''dissociative episode'' (Quotation marks because I don't know if I can really call it like that), but it's rare, and I just never had the energy to put it into words before. Crying and living this experience really took me a lot of energy already, and my body feels so heavy now, but I really needed to keep a trace of it somewhere. I already know that no one will read something that long, but if you actually did and are here, thank you so much for that. I really appreciate you taking a bit of your time to read that, it help me remind me that I exist. I know that what I wrote might not be the most coherent thing, but I'm really tired and I just really needed to put everything into words as fast as possible before it starts to fade away. 

I think that now, Meteor Shower upgrade from that comfort mental space to a comfort mental space where I'm reassured by that lost part of me that I'll be fine, and I just have to take my time. Is it the true meaning of the song ? I don't think so. Is my vision of it the most accurate ? Of course not. But I think it's important to build our own meaning of some songs. A lot of creative medias build a skeleton, a base, and it's up to you complete it with what fits you the best. And I think that's why creativity is such an important part of me. I need to represent things in alternative ways, and I need to express myself in alternative ways too. But since my depression started, the amount of possibilities and the freedom of creativity scared me away from it. But I guess that for now, I'll just follow that tiny missing voice, I'll take my time and I'll be just fine.

If you are still here, thank you so much, it means a lot to me. Take care of yourself, and I wish you the best.

◈ Mo ◈