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It's difficult. I don't know where this belief came from. And it won't go away. It just won't.
It doesn't matter if other people tell me otherwise. It just doesn't. And I feel guilty about that. I'm sorry that you feel compelled to make me feel better, it won't work.
It just doesn't work. I'm not worth it. I'm not worth anything. I'm sorry. I wish I could be different.
This is why I hide everything. I'd be exhausting to deal with otherwise. I'm already exhausting enough.
I wish I could fade away. Fade away slowly as I'm lying in bed. Become one with the cosmos. Become one with the atmosphere.
I don't belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, people are already in their own tight-knit groups, and I'm left alone on the outside.
I know there is something wrong with me. But I just don't know what that is. Apart from anxiety and depression that is.
I know there has to be something else. I hope there is something else. Because otherwise, I don't think that I'll ever get any better than this.
I am trapped within this life.
Mum used to say that she wanted me to be a good (excellent) student because that would give me more opportunities for university.
But I guess she did not realise that she was trapping me within the tiny box of excellent student. And once I didn't fit in that, I didn't know where else to go.
Nothing motivates me apart from my silly, useless interests. Those won't get me anywhere though.
I'm so jealous of people who are doing what they love. Or of people who are doing something that's lucrative even if it's not the most exciting thing in the world. I wish I could have either of those.
I'm so uninterested in my future. I only want very basic stability, money, a roof over my head. That kind of thing.
Sometimes I want to crack open my head to take a look at my brain. Take a really good look of the traitor. The meat that's making me feel and think like this.
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