green around the gills

dear z,

oh, z, i am a little under the weather today, i think. i couldn’t sleep last night for my cold sweat & since i’ve been at work these past 30 minutes i have already thrown up. my eyes are tired, i don’t feel like talking, & i have to put away hundreds & hundreds of little individually packaged screws. to top it off, it’s our busy day at both jobs & we are short staffed here. 

fucking hell, z. i fucking wish i wasn’t so miserable all the time & these past few days i’ve just been getting more & more out of sorts & i’m tired of being such a negative nancy. honestly, i wish someone would just hold me like a little baby & feed me soup, except that i think the thing where i’m always nauseous is back. 

i still need to pack up all my shit & do my laundry & shower & i can’t call out of work, it’s father’s day & they’ll just think i’m trying to get out of it for my dad. 

it’s just, you get older & you should be growing out of certain habits. i started burning myself again those first 3 weeks back from college & im calling logan like once a fucking week asking for vodka & cigarettes. & i wish the nausea illness thing was at least connected to that so i’d have a way to get rid of it up my sleeve, but the nausea illness thing has been coming & going since last summer, even during my time being straight-edge. 

i wish my friend hadn’t died & i hadn’t been raped & that i hadn’t had a fucking breakdown last november because god z, i just want to be happy & i want people to see me as a happy person & i haven’t been able to just fucking be happy in such a fucking long time. god, and sometimes i look at everything i’ve written all together & i say fucking hell, i sound insane & i can’t fucking believe i got this from some british kid’s show & jesus christ.

i am really not doing well, i think.

but i’ll have to catch you later, z

all my love, 

lola