sum thots (june)

I think I am gonna start blogging here as a way to get my thoughts out and to share them, even if no one sees - it's somehow better than keeping them to myself.

So this past year my life has been hectic and stressful. It is basically my first full year as an adult. I have been surviving on my own for awhile, but now I have bills lol. I have also been struggling heavily with my mental illnesses and disabilities. I have never had my disabilities take hold over my life and idk actually "disable" me like they have this year. I was out of work for a month. That can't happen when I'm supposed to be taking care of myself solo. 

Luckily I found and built a support system but I feel so scared that it took away my independence. I had to rely on those around me to simply survive let alone help me take care of my responsibilities. I am somehow who has always been complimented on my perseverance and independence from a very young age. That's been me - I can handle any and everything whenever. I am the mom friend, I take care of I don't get cared for. But my whole world flipped this year/ I completely lost who I was. Who I am.

I am definitely someone different. I look at my future through a different lens now. A more cautious one. One that has a plan B, plan C, etc,. I fear I will no longer be able to do the things I had always hoped to achieve. That I won't build the life for myself, and my future family that I so desperately wanted and have been working toward this whole time. Sometimes I feel like all the hardships I pushed through were for nothing if the future I was fighting for is no longer feasible. 

I don't even mean this in a sad or depressing way - it just is my new reality and it is hard to accept. I have to live with the chances that I may have a complete relapse or it may never get that bad again. It is unpredictable. PS I made a rum and dr pepper and I haven't even drank any since starting this lol. Update: This shit is deadly,,, I understand why bitches order this shit lmao.

Anyway, I am learning and navigating what it is like to have an invisible disability and learning navigating the adult world at the same time - and there is no proper guidance for either :,,,,). Both suck lmao. But we all know that. We all feel that. I guess there is comfort in knowing nobody knows what they're doing. It is all luck of the draw. I wasn't dealt great cards but they weren't the worse, although I feel like I keep getting +4 cards the more I do this whole adult thing.

I am not unhappy. I honestly have the life I dreamed about when I was a child, stuck in a powerless abusive situation. I fully appreciate where I am now, what I have been through to get here, but I also recognize I need and deserve better. When you grow up in an invisible abuse household like I did, you live in survival mode. I have always had these severe mental illnesses - but was never validated ion them till late teens. These last couple years I have been able to get to know what it is like to not constantly be in fight or flight - though I am not completely out of the woods. It has been a very long time since I felt comfortable in my own space. Like I had a home. Like I am safe to be me, undisturbed. That in turn reflects on my mental health. 

I have dealt with more stress this past year than I ever had my entire life - and I was a suicidal reckless teenager who had to be hospitalized. That was a joke. Well it's true but that was supposed to be funny. I am better now and have been for a hot minute, chilllll. Like I was saying,,, I have never had the realistic ability to "dream big". And for once I can see a future for myself. Hell I fully believed I would not live past 16. IDK what I was thinking 16 was the lamest year ever of course I had to see 17. Again, joke. 17 suckkkkkked lmaoooooo. (Also if you know me IRL this will all probably be such a shock lmao yall would've never guessed huh?)

I digress, life as an adult on top of all the things I have been dealing with recently is insane, to say the least. I have so much love and so much art to give the world but I constantly feel like I do not have the time to share it. Time is not an unlimited resource, and it fucking sucks knowing I have to wait an undetermined amount of it until I get to where my life feels safe, stable, and happy. I worry about the hate of humans, targeting me or my loved ones. I worry about the gun problem worsening in my city. I worry about money and food security. I worry about feeling safe in my own skin. And all of these things takes who knows how long to relieve.

I am somewhat grateful that I am now in a position  to where I can worry about these things. I used to feel like I did not have anyone to care about, nobody to look out for or vice versa. I used to long for the days I moved out, I grew up in poverty I knew how to live that life - hell I even romanticized this type of life I stress over now. Our wants and goals change as we age, this is obvious, but I feel like my goals are based on our survival and not any actual desires. I just want to get to a safe stable place within my life. I know it will come, but time is not promised, I worry something may happen to prevent me from ever seeing the fruits of my labor. I mean with the state of violence in this country I actively worry about my future with those I love be taken away from me simply for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

However, I have so much good in my life. This wasn't meant to be some negative rant I am not unhappy. I am just writing how I think, how I feel. But I am not sad or depressed I am actually feel very good about several things. I love love love my job and am so grateful for it and my employers for being the most understanding. I have not created original art in a very very long time so I am forever grateful that I am able to express my creativity there.

I love my cats and the people I let into my life. I will never be able to express how grateful I am for those who helped me in my time of need. I am about to move to a much nicer place for basically same cost to me, so hopefully I can finally feel comfortable when I come home. I am hopeful for what the future holds for me, and I know I am not alone in feeling these things. I love being alive, it is just sometimes hard.

If you read this far, thanks I guess. Also do not judge my spacehey page I obsessed over it for like a week straight ( I literally learned how to code just for this) then promptly forgot about it for 2 months so I will be making it better.

uhhh yeah. you are loved. even if you think you aren't, this stranger on this side of the internet loves you. <3

(not proofread before posting)