the ringing in my ears

my mind goes blank. i hear ringing in my ears. everything is too loud. i need to get out, i cant stand anyone. not even my own mother anymore. i run quickly to the bathroom, i start sobbing in the shower. everything comes crashing down. why am i crying? crying isnt cool. i dont need to cry. but everything hurts, my arm from being pulled. my heart is beating too fast, boom. boom. boom. what just happened? 
im out of the shower, im exausted of this family. the people i know here. everything becomes too much. whenever things happen my mind goes blank, or no.. EVERYTHING is going on in my head. i need to get away. i hate this place. i hate everyone. i hate myself. why does everything need to be so difficult? cant it just be EASIER? why. just why. i dont want to live here anymore, i want to run away. i want to go into the woods, into the middle of nowhere. where the scent of rain, wet leaves. and cold wind soars through the air. i want to be at peace, i want to smile for real this time. i want to laugh so hard i cant breathe. i cant even remember how that feels. i lost human contact, i dont speak to anyone my age anymore. not in 3 years. i dont have any friends. only through the screen. i hate social anxiety.