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its so hard getting my life together considering ive felt like everything has been on pause since 2020. nothing feels like its changed & things that were supposed to be symbols of my life changing never happened. graduation. learning how to drive. getting a job.

even then, things feel like ive been left behind or that im fundamentally just different. it sucks feeling this way. i want a community so desperately, but i can never muster up the courage to put myself out there in the way i see others can. 

it sucks being 20 & still feeling like im some 16 yr old. i barely leave the house, i barely leave my room, i barely take care of myself, i barely talk to anyone & when i do im quiet or scared ill say the wrong thing. when i finally find someone im comfortable with im scared i wont be enough, that they’ll want or expect more from me. im scared i wont be entertaining enough. i know im boring. i know i dont do much & i know that someone else will always be preferred over me bc i truly am just not that noticeable. 

i get so uncomfortable & anxious putting myself out there, trying to say something to someone, bc im scared ill say the wrong thing @ the wrong time & ill be viewed as i always have. as someone thats just there, tolerable & uninteresting. “but you dont say anything!” yeah. 

i want friends so bad but i feel like id be a bad friend, a boring friend, a friend who isnt really a friend bc of how much i need alone time, a friend who is only a friend out of pity, a friend who is only a friend bc “theyre friends w my other friend”. & even if i do still have friends like i do, they dont live near me. they live an hour away @ best. they live across the country most of the time. they live in complete opposite timezones. 

i feel so alone. i really only have my boyfriend. & occasionally my family, but even them i avoid most of the time bc they just argue with each other & nothing is ever just… normal. or calm. 

i just want friends. i just want to feel some sort of normal.