hey, jealousy!

dear z, 

juniper's ex girlfriend is going to visit her in august, and when juniper asked if that bothers me, i said i didn't care. the thing is, i think i do care. not in a way that i feel the need to tell her about, because it's entirely my issue and there's no sense in just making her feel guilty, you know?

but here i was, the day before i start my fucking period, laying in the dark listening to paramore & thinking about it more & i started to think about the little things to see if they would bother me. will they sleep in the same bed? would i care? as much as i'd want to say no, i think i would. her ex girlfriend is a touchy-feely sleeper, and she loves juniper, and i just can't fucking run from the little voice in my head that says its not fucking FAIR that she gets to sleep curled up with juniper after fucking leaving her for someone else when i will never get to see juniper again. 

it bothers me a little bit that she gets to fucking fly out to visit her new girlfriend in july & then her ex girlfriend in august & i can't fucking do that because i can't fucking afford it even though i work fucking 60 hours a week & she barely fucking works EVER & she still manages to be able to do all that it grinds at me & sometimes i just want to scream that its not fucking FAIR. 

fuck! i wish i didn't CARE so fucking much. it's not juniper, not at all. i love her & i trust her & it's just her fucking ex girlfriend who always gets what she wants. z, i'm lonely & i miss juniper & i'm grumpy & apparently its my fucking job to convince juniper's ex girlfriend to break up with her new girlfriend & she's always so passive aggressive (not even that she means to be) about the fact that i'm dating juniper now & it really does bother me. 

when we were in new york, she said she was on the phone with her new girlfriend, who hung up, and then she was going to call juniper but she remembered i was already on the phone with her, and she said "which felt weird" & i said sorry (even though i didn't really mean it) & she said "its fine. i mean, you get precedent now i guess." 

when i told juniper, she let out a bit of a chuckle & said "yeah, no shit"

but oh, z, i'll let you go for now. i just needed to fucking ramble & i don't know if it's something i can tell juniper & its sure as hell not dan's problem. 

also, i think juniper's ex girlfriend's new girlfriend would absolutely be bothered by all of the above. i think it's going to be very bad when it happens, because while she maintains the same "i'm not you two" approach that i have, i know it bothers her so, so much more than me. 

and z, as much as i hate to admit it, i can barely handle juniper's ex girlfriend anymore. it's the all of it, the constant string of lover's problems & the fact that i wish i could fucking reach juniper in the way she can & the fact that its my fucking job to make sure she breaks up with her girlfriend because even though she wants to, apparently she can't get herself to do it unless someone tells her to. i just fucking get blitzed about it & try to forget.

i hope i feel better tomorrow.

all my love, 

lola