My delusions need a home

These thoughts need a home before my brain can't be fucked to think this way.

It's a good week for me. I don't know if I would call it mania because I feel like I have been fixated on the right things, eating and exercising well and responsibly has been a priority lately and I am just hoping this motivation doesn't wear off.

A lot of this dedication can be credited to my introduction to Bad Omens. They have gone so hard for their craft despite it being a long steady journey. I think I can do that. I think I have to.

I have had conversations this week about my intention to prioritize my own joy. It's true. Who else will? I am really the only one who is and will be constantly here for myself whether I like it or not.

I have realized that although I have been able to prove to myself that I can live a well adjusted life, it's just not what I was built for. Or at least now. I have mentioned that I am willing to sacrifice everything for joy. This can't be all there is to life, right?

I am not predicting huge success for myself but I think I can get by enough to survive.

A couple of months have gone by with me not participating in my own life. I was motivated by other things. I wanted to find love and I was okay with it being anyone who would love me. I was willing to search wherever that may take me.

But I'm so glad that I was able to fixate on something more tangible lately. That sounds so silly because love is real and Bad Omens is a random band. But I genuinely think that totems work in different ways and balance people in different ways. I think when I can center all of my inspiration and thoughts onto this band and their music, there ends up being less useless noise to focus on.

Genuinely fangirling has become a weird little superpower in life. Some specific things that Bad Omens has helped me work on include the ideas of work ethic and working hard even though you've spent the last five years plateauing (I don't mean that in a bad way, I just mean they've always been like decently liked in the scene and having the energy and drive to strive beyond that is insane brain power.) I really enjoyed the way Noah Sebastian has discussed how fitness has helped him with his craft. I feel like I always watch fitness people to try to motivate myself but it's just so unrelatable that it's hard to apply to my life.

Hearing him talk about how its helped his performance over-all as an artist has given me a realistic reason to apply it to my life. I mean to be fair I knew all these things in my subconscious. Being fit doesn't just help you with being able to move yourself around efficiently or whatever but realistically art in any form is being consumed primarily with vision as well these days. I mean fair, super talented people don't have to depend on it, but it always helps. There isn't a situation where being aesthetically pleasing wouldn't help you in life- especially in this scene. It's not necessary but it's a huge help.

I am not a person who cares very much about my looks. I don't care how people see me because I like myself on my own, but it's currency in its own right. Also the prospect of becoming an attractive person is terrifying because suddenly everyone wants something from you. I am not eager to experience that aspect- and I know I am not going to wake up with Madison Beer's face someday but I'm just saying- America's standards really are just being skinny at the end of the day and that in itself will warrant so much unwanted attention. But whatever.

Another thing they discussed that has helped me is their relationship with their ego. I remember reading somewhere that self esteem is when ego and reality are balanced. Noah mentioned that the success of TDOPM has helped bring the band to a point that finally met his ego, and the more success the band reaches, the more he can view the world through a loving perspective. It brought such a visceral image of peace to me- to finally live up to your own expectations just seems so peaceful and I have never seen things through this perspective before. I have such high hopes for myself and I worry if I never even attempt- if I never either succeed or fail, I will just be left with the idea that I could have and I will develop the same level of narcissism as my father. I need a humbling reality check or success to move forward. 

I am scared. This is a big decision. The past few days I've felt so confident about it and I've decided to commit to my delusion but today, the doubt that always buried me has started to creep in and I am writing this as a final letter in case this version of me disappears.

I just want to do something that matters to me and I know that currently I would be miserable following a traditional path. And the path to settle down with any random person I can tolerate and vice versa will always be an option but the window of time to try this out without seeming so ridiculous is short. It's even pretty ridiculous now.

I have learned to doubt myself because my brain doesn't work in a linear way but I've always been confident in the outcomes. Without doubt weighing me down, why wouldn't I reach it? Why is having a dream any more ridiculous that having the goal to climb the corporate ladder?

I have always been on this path but the difference is that everything feels tangible now. I've been floating and lost and I'm slowly but surely finding purpose in the things I do and that's a point you can only get to when you allow yourself to fail. I am usually embarrassed by my own failures but I have to look back at them and myself at those times fairly. That's the least I could do for myself and I am the only person who can do that for me.

The differences in my goals lies here:

• Originally I wanted to start my own business to produce videos, but I know deep down that corporate production feels worse to me than being an NPC.
• Related to that, I have beat myself over the head about being able to land a shitty job in the industry that treats you as if you should be so lucky to sell your entire soul to them for crumbs. I am not as interested in working that hard making art for others and still making less than a living wage.
• I have a specific goal now. I am not just aiming to be generally good at this craft so that someone on the corporate ladder who can barely open a PDF can tell me what to do. I'm either gonna commit to being an NPC or being an artist- being in between isn't worth it. I don't even like art that much. I mean I love art but only if it is from me.
• I'm giving myself a deadline but it's not dead set. I will give myself room to grow as well.
• I actually have specific step by step goals now- one that only depends on how much work I put in and not how many clients I can get.

I've realized a lot when I tried making a vision board and realized I don't have a specific vision in mind. That realization crushed me completely because it's so far from how I viewed myself, which was a self-assured person. I realized I didn't even know myself that much.

I think it's good that I trust myself but I was also the blind leading the blind there. I had the right intentions but I refused to narrow it down.

It's possible that I will spend the next year rotting into my bed sheets after this is posted but I hope I can find the energy to read this and remember when things felt so balanced.

I think I have the potential to be a motivated and productive person with some practice. The household I grew up with was religious and dogmatic, so the emphasis lies on doing what you're told and nothing more or less.

I have a pretty easily malleable brain and unfortunately that was never put to good use. My parents are more proud of getting away with things rather than hard work. They would rather brag about how easy things come to them rather than talking about the work they put into it. My mom even actively discouraged me from spending any amount of time building a skill by telling me that if I am not good at something naturally, then I am not meant to do it.

They are parents that expect you to be perfect at everything but will not take the time to teach you how. They did not instill any values in me. Any at all. Not even basic morality. They are moral because the church tells them to be, not by choice. All they ever taught me was that I should make money, and it doesn't matter how miserable it makes me.

Well I've made a lot of money so far and I've realized I'd rather take the misery. This isn't me placing blame, this is just me trying to really dig at where the problem lies. I asked my mom for music lessons and she refused because if I'm not naturally good I am not meant for it. I asked my mom to let me join sports and she bribed me out of it by saying she would spend the entrance fee on toys instead if I didn't do it. My parents had crazy absolutely insane fits about anything related with me and boys and for some reason are shocked that it has traumatized me into adulthood. And like rubbing salt into the wound, as an adult my mom told me she wished she put me through ballet lessons. Well there's nothing we can do about it now. The thing I regret the most is being so obedient. I know in my mom's mind it will still be my fault because I didn't rebel and prove her wrong. What kind of fucked up parenting style is that? Sometimes I get random flashbacks of my mom saying shit like "so my reverse psychology worked on you" with regards to her not disciplining me and me turning out to be a good child- but how the fuck can she credit my goodness to herself when she never participated in raising me? Any goodness I have in me comes from teachers that actually gave me values and eventually my own thoughts. I was such a good child, I didn't deserve to be so neglected. Not only neglected but even treated with such resentment. I am an only child and I did not ask to exist and yet my parents made it seem like it was all my fault. Just everything. Everything bad that happened to me, everything bad that happened to them. And now they act all helpless and defenseless because oh they're so old now and times were different but that is not my fault. I refuse to feel sorry or guilty about it. I feel like I don't owe them a thing. They've done the bare minimum of what they're required to as parents, and they blamed me the whole time about how miserable it made them.

My parents clipped my wings fully and now I am worried I will never be a full person because of it. I am okay with it at this point. I just want to be something that matters in the world. I know prosocial relationships are generally frowned upon but I feel like it's the only way I can exist. On one side or the other. I am willing to exist as a projection of everything anyone needs in their life. I feel like that's the only way I can find value in my being. It is important to me. To be known. I need to admit that to myself. This thought specifically came from Rayne Quann instead of BO actually. I admire her honesty and how she is so self aware about being an internet person. That she's open and honest about liking the shallow aspects of it that we all would like it for but would never talk about.