I haven't felt that alive since 3 years

I wasn't supposed to come back on social medias until the end of my exams, but I really needed to write about this publicly. I know that I write too much for anyone to stop and read about my life but who knows, maybe one day I'll get a sign that someone is reading that, and that's enough for me. I can't just write and keep it to myself, knowing that other people can know about what I did help me keeping some connections with reality. I apologies for the possible grammar mistakes, I'm really tired but I have to write this before I go to sleep.

I've been working intensively since around a month now. My exams start next week and I had strict deadlines for my jury project (my exam for my art option). After many breakdowns and almost giving up, I managed to respect all my deadlines and I decided to reward myself with chilling this week-end. Today was planned to be pretty busy, and I was scared to not have the energy to make it trough, but it was amazing. My anxiety made me want to give up so many times and I'm glad that I didn't listened to it. My day first started with a small birthday party at a friend's place. A lot of people from our friends group and hers were there. We really had a good time, I ate so much, but for the first time I didn't felt a heavy guilt from it after that. She also recently adopted a kitten and he's so adorable, he loved playing with us and being petted. I really didn't had a good time (fully sober) like that in while, I'm really happy that I didn't changed plans last minute because of my anxiety. I also got to see one of her specific friend again. That friend got some troubles with school and she had to leave so I couldn't see her daily anymore. And it was great to see her proudly healed out of her depression, having fun with her, and it really comforted me to talk with her about depression and hear all she had to say about it, her advices, her encouragments. We also talked about romantic attraction and gender, mostly about how to label your orientation as a non-binary person (me), and how some non-binary people can be included in a lesbian's romantic/sexual orientation (her). And it wasn't the first time we talked about that actually. The first time was when she joked about taking me on a date because she really wanted to find someone to date and I was the only single person among my friends. And she's a really kind and sweet person, I don't know if I might be falling in love with her. She told me about how she was fine with dating non-binary people, and even told me about how she often found herself attracted to more masculine girls. But it's really confused in my head right now. First, I don't feel like I know her enough to try something, second I suck at understanding any of my feelings, third it's to the point where I can't even know if I'm aromantic or not, I don't understand if I just struggle with what it implies to be in a relationship with someone, if I just want something platonic that can be classified as more than friendship but less than love, if it's just a trauma response that convince me that I'm unlovable and should never be in a relationship with someone, etc..., fourth I don't feel like I'm at the best place mentally to be in a relationship right now. I already struggle with not ghosting any friend or family member, my depression really make me incapable to invest in a relationship type that is still new and scary for me. But I don't know... Something feels different with her. I don't know if I'll ever have the occasion to try to know her better, I'm too anxious to make the first step to engage in any social interaction, even with my closest friends. I just really hope we will be invited to the same parties again. But even if all of that can kinda be heavy, I still felt really good. I tried to put all of this aside on the moment and just enjoy the day with my friends and her and I did. When I left, my anxiety started to wake up and tried to ruin everything again. My brain self-sabotage itself constantly and ruin anything positive happening to me. But my day wasn't over.

I honestly thought about directly going home after the end of the party at 7 p.m. But tonight was the last time my father's improv team would perform on stage for a league's competition. After that, they will only focus on indie small show. And even tho my brain was screaming at me to go home, that I'm not in the best condition to appreciate it (just like it does anytime I want to do something that I like), I stayed. I was so tired that I hide a headache, but I'm still happy that I made it. I stayed, I enjoyed their performance, it felt great seeing some of my father's teammates I haven't seen in a while. I really really had fun. And after all of that, we went to eat at a fast-food. And once again, my eating disorder left me alone and let me enjoy my food. 

And yeah, it's still pretty hard to say it out loud, but after 3 years of severe depression, ~13 years of dealing with traumas, I think I can say that I'm proud of myself. I did it, I had a great time. Even tho I'm still very dissociated from myself (depersonnalization) and still can't fully realize that I'm a person, I'm me and I lived all of that, I feel a bit of happiness. After all this time, I can't believe it. I'm scared that it might be gone quickly in the following days so that's why I had to write now. I had to write all of it while it was still fresh, and if things get difficult again, I'll be able to come back to this and read it all again to remind myself that it's possible, I can feel happiness. I'm proud of myself.

And to you, dear stranger reading this, thank you for your time, I really appreciate it. Have a good day/night, take care.

◈ Mo ◈