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10/6/23 Don't fucking mind meeee UGH and recap of what I've been up to

So I talked about how today was shit, after lesson I stayed and LK stayed too but they were in another room so whatever.

These past few days, more like weeks I've been staying at uni a lot more, I have that review and at home I do even less. I already have problems concentrating and shit but like at home I do twenty minutes and then completely give up cus my brain already wanna do other shit. So I either go just to work on the project or I stay later and get there earlier when I have classes. Luckily now they're a lot less. Yesterday I went in person for my last writing class, and until few weeks ago I tried, really, then yk what happened,I posted ab it, I just could fucking anymore. Literally the only things that make my writing mine are the problems. I'd prefer practicing seppuku than removing that, I'd hate what I'd write and hate myself as a consequence. Sorry if I can only write in stream of consciousness and that shit is not done anymore! I'll just go back in time and become buddies with Virginia Wolfe I guess. Fucking hell.

So like I haven't been the only one not doing homeworks so he kinda addressed everyone at the end with like hey I saw improvements and stuff and he said even with me and I almost said "I saw no improvements but okay" and I was able to say just "I simply couldn't write them" and he was like try to work on it now like NO MFER I MEAN I AINT DOING THIS SHIT I FUCKING CANT. 

Last Saturday it was Berry who stayed and even if he was in another room, yk you go there to get a snack and over there to the bathroom and I have this fucking "I wanna hate you half as much as I hate myself" type of deal (thanks fob for putting into words what I feel) mentality rn about him so I was like hell the fuck no I'm going back home even tho it means I'm gonna end up doing nothing but yk ignoring people is hard full time LMAOOO. But again LK, alone, is possible. If there was anyone else it wouldn't be because I cannot stress enough how much LK talks like damn I know I don't have adhd cus that's too much even for me 😭 they fixed my need to get a diagnosis I guess. 

Anyway ya today was shit, later I felt a bit better cus yk I wasn't around my classmates so I managed to do some work and like. Feel inside the world? Lol. Some hours in, LK starts preparing bags and shit and I'm like alright they're going I guess. They say bye to me directly which already like omfg don't. Like. I'm not here. I was never here. stop minding me yk. Anyway like two seconds after, they come back and I'm not even surprised cus mfer forgets EVERYTHING, then I hear some noises from there and stuff, anyway I start putting my stuff away , I'm early to catch the bus and everything so I don't gotta panic. And like I was working in the shared open space lil place, so there's a lil office for the secretary in the corner and then a small kitchen part that has the coffee machine and some snacks and our lord and savior the electrical kettle that regularly cooks my three mins noodles. And there's this kind of L table that connects to the kitchen, this is waaaaaaay fancier but the idea is kinda there. In the sense that is attached to the wall. And. Basically no other thing lol.

Anyway why I described a fucking table? So you can picture. The table is between the "kitchen" space and the hallway, I was on the hallway side, putting the stuff I had on the table away, had some wires still on and LK from the other side puts some stickers on the table, near me. And I'm just like motherFUCKER DONT FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE MY EXISTENCE MY FUCKING GOD. STOP. like idfk if they did cus they felt bad cus couple days ago they didn't fucking look where they were putting their backpack and it bent the charger of my phone that was plugged in and later were like "how much was it ill pay it" and I was just so over everything i just basically went "leave it as it is". I don't know. 

Yesterday at the end of writing class they were like "hey guys I got sticker want some" and like I just went in another room to work on my project of course so that's were they come from. Idk what they did it I just wish they didn't. And hope they don't try shit anymore. Anyway I just looked at the stickers a second and then continued to pack my things away, no intention of taking them. After placing the stickers they waited a second for my reaction before going to another room. I just finished doing my thing and went to the bus stop

I was early so had to wait a few mins there. I guess LK came there few mins later or smth, idk, I didn't look behind not even once, just saw a glance of 'em getting on the bus. They didn't try no other shit and it's better this way. I swear I would have ate those fucking stickers. Like literally. Put em in my mouth and start chewing.  

Nothing else rlly to report, except there was a kitty at the train station!!! I started hearing little "NYA"s that they do when they're tiny bastards and at first I was like omg someone abandoned kittens, I start looking around, I notice this guy holding something dark in his hands, I realize and then I go like excuse me is that a cat AND IT WAS A CAT. TINY. SMALL EVEN. ALL BLACK, PRETTY VERBAL I LOVE VERBAL KITTENS LIKE BITCH WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO START BEEF WHEN YOU CANT EAT SOLID FOODS YET YK. I forgot to ask how old it was, the ears were up but the claws were out always, so can't control them yet, I think maybe it looked around 4-5 weeks old? Adorable, he made me hold it for like a sec and as he was handing it I was panicking like no I don't know how to do this. HOLDING KITTENS IS SO WEIRD I COULD FEEL THE LITTLE RIBCAGE MOVING AND IT WAS FLUFFY AND WARM BUT OH GOD IM. HOLDING A MAMMAL IN MY HANDS. But ya it was an adorable little baby and the little meows were so funny. That's about it.

A ghost writing from its grave, signing off.

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