Internal crushing of the heart and soul

Tw sh mention 

I can't. I can't. Everything hurts so much. Everything tears me apart internally and nothing bleeds out and I try to not spit the blood and I try to not spill the tears and I'd be me the crocodile, yet being self aware of being the wrong cannot seem to keep me from feeling. And I hate feeling. And in a moment I'm still there yet everything feels away and maybe it's the music in my ears but the isolation was social and is now around, I'm now away not from ex friends but the entire word and I don't know if the muted sounds keep me from panicking or are keeping me detached but I'm here I know I'm here I see with my eyes and I see my hands and I move them so I'm here but the world is outside and I don't know if I'm outside or if I'm in a inside and I don't know what inside is or where it is and I just keep drawing, repetitive move, repetitive action one after the other, erase, change pencil, line line line line roll pencil line line line line line change pencil streak streak streak

And I don't even know if the music is near me or I'm far away from that too and I don't know and my heart just sinks deeper, tied to a block of cement, in a sea thats nothing but dark and dark and dark and I don't know for how long more it can sink before I fall apart cus in a way I feel already in pieces that can't reconnect

And I call again and again for the persona that doesn't care, for my nonchalance, for my not giving a fuck mentality but it doesn't form, it cannot protect me right now from my own thoughts and whatever else is happening to me and I count down minutes as the block of cement goes deeper and I'm not out of breath but I'm out of something and it's making me crumble and deep inside I know all the things I'm missing and out of and if I cannot start to stop caring for the rest of the day I can only hope the universe kills me right here and right now and I don't deserve to die without an agonizing purgatory of year and years and I don't deserve to live either to ruin the world a bit further and I just want to stop ceasing to exist cus others laughs brings me just thoughts of what it could have been and I want to make the Ifs bleed on my skin and it's wrong and ironically this is the only thing that right now I can't seem to care about.