Shitty week

Still alive. This week feels shitty. Apart from getting period I just haven't been working as hard as I should on that final project but idk I just can't. Also I got super fucking bad cramps this month idk why. I want a hysterectomy lol. I'm so fucking tired of being who I am. And apart from dysphoria I mean a fucked up person that always makes nothing but mistakes. 

And I want attentions and love and friendship but I know I don't fucking deserve it and I should feel miserable because those are the consequences to my own actions but I can do nothing but feel extremely miserable. I hate this so much. I hate myself so much. So much of my life is wrong that to fix it I could just reincarnate and do life from the start because "wish I could go back in time to fix this" js not enough anymore. I wish god wasn't so cared of me so he could let me die.

How can I continue going to art school and believe I deserve anything when I know I don't