Abandonment

Isn’t it weird when your have to mourn a friend who’s still alive? 

One of my closest friends walked out of my life out of nowhere. I understand her feelings really, I get that it was my fault. She had every right to leave. But everyday since it happened of gotten more depressed and angry about the situation. 

A few weeks before she decided to quit bring friends she mentioned how I might have abandonment issues. We were talking about how I’m anticipating the guy(my now partner) I was talking to might ghost me. How I always expect people to leave and because of that I distance myself to an extent. It’s weird no? She mentioned that knowing she was gonna leave. 

Long story short, she ghosted me for a bit. She eventually texted me a few time in regarding my birthday. I wanted her to hang out with me since I was planning on coming home for my b-day. Actually she was the main reason why I wanted to come home. She said she would be by, well…she never showed up. I figured it was because of bad timing, a lot of shit happened to her in a short amount of time. Turns out she didn’t feel comfortable with me anymore. I spent $14 on a train ticket home to wallow in my self pity, when I could’ve celebrated back at my dorm. 

(I will say a friend of mine did come through but I was kinda sad to actually be present)

When she finally texted me after avoiding my messages it was the last week of me being in Chicago. I was so excited to tell her everything that was going on. When she texted she didn’t want to be friends anymore, I was hanging out with some friends. I had to step away for a few hours just to cry. 

Ever since then I’ve been having really bad nightmares about everyone that I know leaving and telling me how they never really liked me. How I’m an awful person. 

I know this is what I deserve and it’s just karma for being a bad person but it hurts. How am I supposed to enjoy myself after this? Everything that I do now is being overshadowed by thoughts of losing this friend. 

It just sucks. We share the same friends so I feel like I can’t really rant about this. Especially since I don’t want them to turns their back on her. In reaction of that I’ve been  pulling away from all my friends. Like really pulling away. Haven’t been responding to text, I don’t have the energy to call, sometimes I just rot in bed because now I don’t see the point of communicating. 

Why would I talk to people if they are all just gonna leave my life?

It fucked me up hard. And realistically, it all could’ve been avoided by communicat