ugh this week :/

why am i so strange?

right before finals week, my sister came into town and stayed with me, we had a great time and I felt that we really bonded, but in the same way, nothing had changed. But, soemthing about being alone in the house together gave me major dejavu, that had been blocked literally, until now as a write this. I have spent the past couple years doing a deep cleansing, changing, and healing of myself. But, there is a lot to still be unpacked in my clogged, muddled brain. 

When we first moved to this house, I was insanely sick. I was sicker than I had ever been and was seriously messed up emotionally. This was our first few days in the new house and the two of us had to brave it together. From what I can remember, our house didnt have wifi yet and we didnt have a TV either. We both value and enjoy time together, so we tried making the most of it by watching movies and eating good food. but we were both upset, going through a lot and i felt abandoned and alone despite her efforts to cheer me up. She snapped at me and that led to me hiding in our closet to cry, and crying more because it wasnt big enough for me to cry in, like the one in the hosue we grew up in. 

I dont ever think about that year, except in relation to how much better im doing now, having gone through such a shitty year. My dreams however, have been forcing down my throat ever since my sisters visit, memory after memory. person after person and feelings after feeling that I have not thought about or felt since the seventh grade. 

I wake up drenched in a cold sweat, every morning. My sheets notably damp from perspiration dripping out of my being. I feel like im being wringed out after already being out to dry. Does this really have a purpose? i already dealt with the traumatic stuff, you mean I have to deal with the sad, embarassing, and painful now? these are not that important to have painstakingly shoved back into my cerebral cortex. Its not like SHE was there, or like i went to war. just stupid me being stupidly depressed. 

I do not want to remember. 

I do not think I even need to remember. 

yesterday I cried for the first time in a month or so.

It was the first time my eyes swelled and tears flowed so effortlessly from no thought whatsoever. Just reacting to stimuli, as if an action programmed into my very being. Sure the stimuli hurt but when I thought, nothing was wrong, he wasnt saying what i was reacting to...

but, still.

  it hurt a lot. i dont cry much anymore to the point it physically cant all come out. To the point where I have to just sooth myself to stop crying, otherwise I just wouldnt be able to stop. 

the reason? 

im honestly not sure.

Its the anniversary of my moms death, on the day of the crying anyway. And I was really little when she passed, only 2. It feels unreasonable to say her death is somehow the cause of my uncontrollable base nature unravelling earlier, but its the only logical thing I can think of. 

But I dont like crying like that. It makes me feel weak. As if I have so little control, I cant even discern why im so upset. but the best part is, I can be alone all I need. I can enclose myself in shell of my own protection. 

of course thats thing ive always done, and have spent the past three eyars undoing, my own bubble. And of course when I have finally put it to rest, all I want is to hide far away. but I cant because then people will know im weak, and I aint no pussy..... or smt leik that...

idk, I also didnt take my meds for three days and expiercing minor zoloft withrawl so take yer meds kids or you might cry all day so hard so actually throw up blood. BAIIIIIII :3