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i never really realized i was autistic for an extremely long time (15 years?), and that was due to 3 things:
1. not wanting to go to a therapist
2. everyone i knew being generally as eccentric as i was in personality
3. not going outside as much as i should've
one good thing about being in a generation of extremely online individuals is that you can talk with them extensively about things online. it goes the other way as well; it isn't great. at all.
because you essentially create this generation of kids who are uber bad at social interaction besides niche internet shit (see: using "based" in general speak. thank god i don't do that), and then they have their own little hyperfixation that they can spend 50 hours a day looking at and then they go to a therapist if they're lucky, if they aren't then they're fucked.
bunch of little boys and girls who spend their first 12 years of life making kinemaster effect edits of android phone startup screens, they're all suddenly expected to talk to people.
i genuinely wonder how many of the kids coming into freshman or sophomore year of high school, in 2023, grew up making those videos. it's like your hyperfixation is video editing except you have literally nothing to nurture it. i have no idea how to describe or wonder what the hell got them to that point.
i can say i'm at least a little lucky that i found a very somewhat healthy outlet for the things i enjoy. i grew up with a computer and shotcut, not kinemaster on a mobile phone; later i was able to take advantage of more sophisticated editing software (adobe).
i don't really like to call my interest(s) a hyperfixation because i'm a bit uncomfortable with talking about my autism. i'm definitely higher-functioning. higher enough functioning to make fun of the kid who's lower functioning, though i make fun of him because he's a spoiled little gaylord, not because he's autistic.
partially not.
at some point i just start to regret being such a stuck-up dickhead, cause yeah, i hear jokes before you. it's played out for *me* when you hear it. but i'm also stuck up enough to not laugh when i hear it. because i condition myself to be an ass when i hear something that's played out.
maybe i should stop holing myself into these little secular internet communities that pick things up first. because when i start to see my irl friends share it, it's not funny anymore. i am truly miserable. i love how autism manifests. i love how mental illness manifests. i've got reasons to live, but sometimes i just realize how much of a dickface i am.
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