A shitty day- listening to ES

I'm feeling pretty shitty today. I tried to be good today but it just didn't work out. I was trying to hard to make it work. I want it to be effortless. Still don't know how to enjoy the moment. How to see the beauty in it. I need a morning routine. The start, the early hours are vital and set the tone and intention for the rest of the day. 

I went through my journal entries from last month and I see myself continuously for better self-control. I see myself continuously doing that I know will make me miserable. I stress on the need for a proper routine and I think I feel the same now so I definitely need to set up routines for me to follow to keep my mental health in check this break. And the other part was learning to accept and work with myself and being kind to myself. So, the theme I decided on this month was cultivating my garden.

It involves weeding out toxicity out of my life and working towards a more healthier and beautiful state of being. 

That being said the shame and sadness I went through in the current moment  I started to listening to ES again and it feels so good and comforting. I understand him much better now having had some time away from him. I think I understand him so well that he must understand me better. I feel like sketching him and writing analysis of his songs. To play more of his songs to whisper myself before I sleep. I'm so glad that his music lives on in this world. His legacy is so great. He is a hero for me. For his vulnerability and genius he is an idol for me at a spiritual and creative level. I just wish to be anywhere near him.

I wan to be able to enjoy my days more. I want to...

BTW I found an interesting anime gonna watch it for the rest of the break to get myself up when I'm done.