i hate my disorder

i honestly hate that i have bpd . it makes me feel disgusting . it makes me embarrassed . i feel like i talk about it all too much . i try to cope with it by romanticizing bpd in a way , and seeing / headcanoning characters with bpd comforts me , but no matter what it just makes me feel disgusting and so broken . i tried seeing it as a thing that makes me cute , like a ' needy possessive borderline gf ' thing but i just can't . it's so horrible .