so i just got back from a road trip. a CHURCH related roadtrip. oh boy.

now, i want to make a separate blog for my feelings on road trips in general because i hate them but for now we're just gonna talk about the church portion of the trip since that was like yk the main course and what not.

i aint gonna get into the details but it was like a little "festival" type deal but before that we had to have yk normal church service. and my mom before hyped of this church soooooooo much she was like yeah yk this church is so holy and blahzay blahzay all that jazz and yk the church that we were going to where we live is not all that great i guess so im like well maybe this will move me or make me change my stubborn ways. spoiler alert; it did not. in fact it just validated the feelings i've been having about christianity even more.

the service message was extremely basic. like bare bones shit. it was like yeah god did this and that for us and now we gotta continue his ministry i dont know but it was some basic ass shit like that. its like such an obvious like message for christians. and so this entire made me realize something; i dont care about getting saved.

now this is like a situation i've been dealing with for some while. at first yk growing up in a christian household yk you just go along with it and you're like yep this is the way of life i have to be good and believe in god or else i'll DIE AND BURN IN HELL FOR ALL ETERNITY. ITS GONNA BE PAINFUL AND YOU'RE GONNA REGRET NOT GIVING YOUR LIFE TO CHRIST MUHAHAHHAHAHA. but as i got older, i started forming my own thoughts most importantly, i started asking QUESTIONS. which is something you should never do to a christian. yk i would pick holes here and there and be like well why is this thing like this or of god is real why is the world the way it is or how is god looking out for 7 billion people on planet earth all the time and how did this omnipotent being even come about in the first place????? am i seriously supposed to believe this magic man being just existed already and decided to conjure up some weird fleshy creatures and call em humans? idk man. it just sounds quite ridiculous. and then another happened where i saw a tik tok (wait listen hear me out) where this guy was talking about how his dad like died for a while and then came back and he told his son that god isn't real and he saw nothing when he was dead. and that just stuck with me. because that sounds right. i highly doubt theres anything after death. i just cant believe it. i dont think theres a magic kingdom in the sky where dead people praise jesus all day and i dont think theres a world underground on fire where you just burn and feel pain even though you're just a soul and you have no body no nerves no brain to even conceive the sensation that is pain. i just cant believe it. like i just dont think any of these things exist. and ykw im gonna be so pissed if i die and i see fuckin JESUS bruh imma be like damn you real? aight welp send me to hell ig. 

and so, because of allat, i dont care about getting saved. after death became real to me, life has honestly become really hard to enjoy. because the concept of death is EVERYWHERE. i would honestly rather not be faced with that reality. im already dealing with other things revolving around my mental state and this shit does NOT help. so i just cant bring myself to live this holy life and praise this man who i dont even think is real. i dont wanna do that. i want to be HAPPY. thats all i fucking want in my life. i know it sounds cheesy but its the damn truth i wanna be happy while im alive and yk thats a really damn hard thing to do on earth apparently. i dont wanna be tied down to all these rules like not being able to listen to the music i wanna not being allowed to jack off to lesbian porn every night. I LIKE DOING THOSE THINGS. most of the things i like to do would not be able to smoothly transfer into that holy lifestyle. and i dont want it to. BECAUSE I DONT WANNA LIVE THAT WAY. 

i will admit, the concept of heaven and hell being real still scares me. it used to scare me as a child and yk it still does now unfortunately. but if heaven is real, no one in my family is going and that makes me feel a tad bit better, as wrong as it sounds. my grandma might, idk. but i highly doubt the rest of em are. not doubt. they aren't going. 

in conclusion, if god is real i'll see y'all in hell i guess. lets have a party while our flesh burns for eternity!

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