should i cool it or should i blow

dear z, 

it's 5:30 pm. i have family dinner in an hour. i tried calling juniper twice and she hasn't picked up, and my fear is that she is avoiding me because she is afraid that she is going to hurt me/does not want to deal with this right now. the problem is, i am now afraid that she will call me tonight, and i refuse to break up after 8 pm because is when brains go all floppy and i want to be completely clear headed this time. 

it's once again this weird limbo, because are broken up, but we did agree last night that for now that conversation didn't happen. this fucking blows. 

here are my entirely honest, and true thoughts on record, so i have them somewhere. 

i do not want to break up with juniper. i love her desperately, and there's a part of me that is saying no, we haven't tried hard enough to deserve giving up. i also know that that's not necessarily the best way to think. what i want is that we give it the real, honest-to-god college try and just see what happens. we talk as much as possible, voice our problems, and don't do things just because we think it'll be better for the other person. 

i also don't want to tie her down to something. she's not coming back to college, and i will literally never see her again. (even though i really, truly want her to come visit, or to visit her, or whatever) and i don't know if she can feel good about moving on if she still has this serious commitment to something. 

she says she wants to get to know me really, really well, but honestly i think the only way that could happen is if we stay together. the things she wants to know are things i wouldn't just tell someone i'm friends with, no matter how close we are. 

i also feel like she's running away because she thinks it'll be easier, and she has literally said this, not in so many words, and if i were her i would probably do the same thing, but i don't know. i'm tired of running and being run from and what have you. 

i think i scared her last night by showing how far i'd be willing to go to try to make this work. it's not some insane level i-drop-out-of-college-and-move-to-her thing, it's just someone visit the other for a few days and talking in person and fucking going from there. (it also isn't fair to make her drive all the way here, and i probably could manage getting there and back, but at this point i think she just doesn't want that at all). 

i think i'm being selfish about this. 

i honestly think we could make the pen-pal long distance thing work, i would just have to convince her to do it and i think the fact that it contains the words "would just have to convince her" is a sign it's a bad idea. 

i think she's already made up her mind anyway. 

i think part of my problem is that i want to be able to have a relationship with her that means something, and she thinks it can happen no matter whether or not we stay together but i don't think that's necessarily true, and that sounds extreme and it's because i can't find the right words to say what i really mean by that. 

i also think i maybe don't have the right idea of what a relationship is because whenever i've heard someone describe it

also, juniper feels horribly guilty about the fact that she's been kind of shitty in the long run, with everything & i feel like if i "let her get away with this" (again, horrible awful way to put it) it'll just feed in to her idea that she's a horrible person. and i also don't mean this in a way of trying to fix her. 

i'll probably think of more to say later, but until then

all my love, z

lola