run, lola, run

dear z, 

i woke up this morning with a pit of dread in my stomach. last night juniper and i talked for hours, and, as i always kinda knew she would, she broke up with me. 

i think she thinks she completely fucked me up after everything because yeah, she's been kind of shitty, and yeah, her saying "i've been such a shitty girlfriend" was literally the first time i've ever heard her call herself my girlfriend out loud, but i don't care about that right now. i think she does this thing where she fucks up and it just adds to her fear that she just fucks people up and she doesn't try to get better about it. 

before i say this next emotional outpour, i want you to know that i know how crazy & yada yada yada it sounds and is. 

it feels like "letting" her do this is just giving her an opportunity to run for the hills, and i want her to actually work through it instead of just giving up and running away from it.  (i think that's just me trying to make myself feel better though, she knows what she's doing and what's best for her)

(also, i'm a little afraid that this is going to lead to her fucking a slew of shitty people as a form of self harm that she'll regret later. this really doesn't factor into my reasoning for anything, it's something i'm afraid of purely as her friend)

i almost just don't want to let her get away with not talking to me for 3 weeks and then having two days of really depressing and emotional phone calls and then just dumping me. even after everything, she's the one who broke up with me. it's probably just the emotions from it but i just feel so fucking pathetic and angry and it feels like we didn't even fucking try long distance. she left and then didn't talk to me and then we just talked late at night and broke up for two days straight, that's not fucking giving it a shot. 

both today and yesterday i've just been listening to chelsea hotel #2 by leonard cohen and fucking crying my eyes out and i just wish there was anything i could do to get over this faster. i want to at least fucking try being together in this way because we haven't actually yet. i want to fucking try being together and talking every day and still knowing we'll never see each other again. it feels really fucking shitty that at the point where she was finally able to convince me that she does love me and want to be with me completely, she breaks up with me. 

but, as much as i don't want to let her go, it's not fair to her to keep her tied to something she's trying to get over. i don't know how she actually feels about everything. when we broke up last night, it was 1:30 for me and 12:30 for her, and i told her i- stupidly and selfishly- wanted to strike that entire conversation from the record and try again in the daylight. 

when i call her later, i'm gonna do my shitty little "please can we just fucking give this a shot" thing and i already know her mind is made up but i want at least fucking try so i can say that i tried.

on top of fucking all this, in two days i have to go stay at her ex girlfriend's house and then with her ex girlfriend and the guy she had a fling with & there was literally a point where the three of us all overlapped. when i told m about that, she said "well, now you'll all get to talk shit" i don't want to fucking do that! i love her and yeah, i talk shit, but i fucking refuse to do that with those two! i love her too much for that. i wish i was at a stage in my life where i had a fucking car or something because sedona is looking real fucking good right now. 

i'll talk to you later, z

all my love & eternally yours, 

lola