abandonment

i was playing some dumb mobile game when this absolutely nauseating feeling suddenly hit me , and my hands started shaking a little bit . i think at that time is when it really hit me that she abandoned me 

apple abandoned me . she left our dm , she unfollowed me and removed me as a follower . i'm the only one she did this too and i didn't do anything to her . i want to cry , it's all so horrible . i miss being her friend and being able to talk to her about oshi no ko and other stuff , i've never met anyone who shared so many of the same interests with me . she was always so nice to me , and i tried to be perfect back , but i got abandoned anyway . and i know this is it . i'm never gonna stop getting abandoned . there is just something so deep and inherently wrong with me . it's like some part of me rotting from the inside and can't realize it , just something that repels other people and makes them not like me . i want to h_rt myself

it absolutely eats me away that there's something deeply wrong with me and i don't know what it is , because i perfect my online personality to the very millimeter . i trim a lot of what is the real me so people i love wont go away . one reason i often take breaks is because i feel like i've been more careless with revealing ' the real me ' . i always try to make myself friendly , helpful , anything approachable .i retake voice messages so many times just to get a take where i sound cute / ' perfect ' . i hate liars the most in this world and i despise lies , but i tell little ones anyway just to build my image . i edit my pictures until they're objectively perfect so there's no leg room to even think i'm ugly . everything i do is a performance for other people , even now on this account i'm performing . i don't know how to turn it off . it's to the point where i don't even really know what is the real me at this point . i don't even know what i'm referring to when i say the real me .