how does the fuckup girl become the fuckup girl?

dear z, 

when i worked as a cashier, i would often get this strung-out girls late at night who seemed real dazed and out of it and glassy eyed and they'd speak so softly and they seemed so fragile. sometimes they'd also be girls i'd gone to school with. i always wondered how they became that way. 

i realised how last night. i was walking home from missy's house & i stopped at the gas station to buy an arizona tea & i was still drunk out of my mind (but the kind of drunk where you're starting to come down from it) and as i was checking out i found myself talking in the thin, dreamy voice i'd so many times from the other side of the equation. and, when he told me to "have a good night, now", i found my face pulling the dreamy, melancholy mona lisa smile they would always give me. 

the problem was i tried so many times to break out of it, but as i said it was the stage of drunk where you're coming down a little bit, so it's like you're sober behind the eyes and you just can't push through the drunk body. 

anyway, i wasn't planning on drinking today (as if i'm ever planning on drinking, ha), but i find myself drunk at 2 pm anyway and i am at least glad that i can realise that this is a problem, but i am disappointed in the fact that i am still in the stage where i refuse to work through it.)

i'll talk to you again later, though

all my love, 

lola