gotta make a play

dear z, 

it will come as no surprise i'm sure to you when i tell you i'm writing this on the floor of the bathroom. that's right! we're once again back to the consistent and unrelenting vomiting. i can't remember what got rid of it last time (other than your little anti-nausea pills) and i am once again debating whether or not i go to the doctor about it. what does it mean when you're constantly nauseous and not pregnant?

i've been up for 3 and a half hours and all i've managed to get done today is started 4 more squares (with any luck i can finish 3 of them before tonight, then i'll go for a walk in the woods, hooray!)

juniper's ex sent me screenshots of their conversations today (not out of any malice, we're all friends and it was related to a previous conversation we'd had about the way juniper texts) but it still did confirm that yes, juniper has been talking to her ex while she's been ignoring me. this, of course, makes me feel fucking fantastic. 

i am told that once, apparently, she did try to make out with me at a party, but i leaned away and said "no, i don't wanna get involved in that" (referring to her messy & open relationship with her then-girlfriend). and then, of course, her girlfriend left her for someone new and then one drunken night i DID get involved (on my bedroom floor, i might add) and now i'm in the parking lot of this fucking joann fabrics crying & alone & drunk & literally sitting on the curb with my head in my hands. (the drunken night on my floor was months ago, before the drunken aspect became a problem and back when it was something i did every now and again)

at some point i should probably go to fucking therapy or something instead of the woods every time something goes wrong, but i just can't shake that hippy-dippy notion that the woods actually do help. (they do) back when i was having a breakdown a few years ago i would just sit in the woods all day and that was the happiest i would be for days. last summer after i was assaulted (a word which here means something worse but that i cannot bring myself to say out loud at the moment) i would sit by the same tree in the woods and sob for hours on end. 

the night before juniper left, we sat in the woods and talked about things that were weighing on us and it was during this that she reminded me that nature does hold suffering, and she thanked the tree we were sitting on for holding our grief. i've neglected to do this, for a while, i think. i'll make sure i remember to today. 

i'll talk to you again later.

all my love, 

lola