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oh, my lola!

dear z,

ever since i moved here for the summer and took up a job waitressing, i've found myself in a horrible pit of a depressive episode that i have no outlet for. yesterday i started crocheting this afghan for m's apartment and basically it's either i'm drunk crocheting an afghan or drunk working, and that's a horrible thing to admit and it's a horrible thing to do but fuck! i think i have a problem. i can't tell you all these things in real life, so i'll commit them to this little blog and leave them here to fester, and maybe one day all my negative outpours will grow into something beautiful. 

i started the afghan yesterday, as i've mentioned, and a few days before that i planted a few plants in little pots to put on my windowsill. it seems like every time i start to feel this way, i get the strongest urge to put something in the ground and let it grow. i remember the last time it was this bad was when i was 17 and i would sit in here and fucking play them music when they were seeming a little down. (i have no idea if it actually worked, but i swear, hand to god, that after i'd play the beatles, they'd stop wilting a little bit)

 the only song i've listened to in the past week has been "light my fire" by the doors and honestly? when is someone going to light my fire because i am fresh fucking out of it. juniper hasn't spoken to me since wednesday (it's sunday night, almost monday) and genuinely i don't fucking know what this means because she could have just lost her phone or we could be on the outs or she could just not know how long it's been and i don't know if my messages are even getting through (i can only assume they are and that that's not the issue) but hey, i'm trying not to think about it. and, of course you know that she's probably dropping out of college and i'll probably never see her again (not in this lifetime, at least). 

on a brighter not, i'm trying to move out of my parents' house, but that involves packing up and getting rid of everything i own, and i just have so much stuff. (it's not even like my room's that big, i've just lived in it for the past 20 years) it's that weird limbo of being hard, you know? where it's actually not that hard, it's just the getting-yourself-to-do-it that's the hard part. it's not even usually the sentimentality that's getting me this time (that's where i usually get swampy), it's just the fact that i HAVE to do it even though there's not really anything MAKING me do it. 

and the afghan! i started it yesterday to cope with the whole my-girlfriend-won't-talk-to-me-even-though-she-talked-to-her-ex-every-day-when-they-were-together-and-she-hasn't-talked-to-me-since-she-had-that-really-long-phone-call-with-said-ex-who-she-broke-up-with-earlier-this-year-and-honest-to-god-might-still-be-in-love-with-and-who-i-know-for-a-fact-is-still-in-love-with-her thing and i meant for it to be something that keeps me occupied throughout the summer but i'm like 7 squares down out of 63 and it's barely been 24 hours. turns out i'm more stressed than i thought! 

(and it would stand to reason that the second i'm about to send this out, juniper finally texts me asking if she can call me tomorrow. and once again, i have genuinely no idea if this is her breaking up with me or not. and you know that i can usually tell! right now, i'm truly convinced that this is going to be the phone call where she confirms that she will, in fact, be dropping out and that it is best if we just break up now. i'm wigging out, z)

i'm sorry to just dump all this on you and run, but i have just a couple more rows to finish for this square of the afghan, and then i have to get a good night's rest before i talk to juniper tomorrow to calm myself the fuck down. 

all my love, 


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